The Good, The Bad, and The Blonde

Coming Up For Air

2012-01-23T13:22:00.001-05:00

Wow I am behind.

Really.

Far.

Behind.

So far behind in fact that this statement is probably now true:

"I was put on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die."

I have a ton of things to catch up on and yet no time to do so.

Life post full time has become just that.

Busy.

It is almost as if my life was put on hold all these years and all of a sudden I am moving at fast forward speeds.

No it isn't perfect. Nor did I get a ticker tape parade or a unicorn.

(I have this sneaking suspicion that the reason why is in the handbook, but since I never got my copy of that...)

I am however slowly loosing my anxiety and actually enjoying being me.

For example.

Readers who have been following me for a while know I am a skier.

As in downhill.

With snow.

This year I made the effort to go when I was able to before other things took place and I would not be able to.

To put it simply I never have enjoyed skiing so much. I was relaxed, comfortable and all day long even bundled in warm ski garb, I got; 'have a great day miss' from the chair lift attendants.

It boggles my mind at times that I get this of response. Though there is no giggle or surge of excitement. Really it just feels right and the more I hear it the more I relax.

Still I have to temper this with the fact that my state police department 'lost' my background check.

See I told it hasn't all been warm and fuzzies.

Seems when I called the court house to find out what was happening with my name change, I was informed they never got the background check that I sent to the state police.

(I don't know if it is required in all the other states but I know it is true with most. To change your name these days you have to file the petition, get your fingerprints taken, send that off to the state police to have them and the FBI do a background check. Then the courts have to make a public announcement 30 prior to the change. After all that you get a court date and you know the rest.)

After I called the state police, I was informed they never got my request.

O_o

Really?

Thankfully at home I had the postal service delivery confirmation along with a copy of the cashed check.

After an afternoon in voice mail purgatory the court house went to bat for me and called themselves. Finally my request was 'found' and a new copy being mailed out the court house. Because the last one was 'lost'.

Whatever.

At least it is all moving forward and I should be able to change my name in about four weeks.

I also had to come out to some extended family right before the holidays. Which proved both good and bad. (I am going to tell the story in a different post.)

I am sure what everyone wants to hear is work.

Well here I am four weeks later and I am still alive and still employed.

What you think I wasn't?

Shame on you.

Yes, the first few weeks were nerve racking but at the same time I knew it had to be done.

I haven't had one single bad reaction. At least publicly.

I have gotten a lot of support. Several hugs from the female population.

My favorite response had been from the facility manager. She and I were in the small lunch room in this building and she walked up to me and said this:

"Kelli I get it now. You look far better as a woman than you ever did as a man. I for one am jealous you look as good as you do, but you are going to do great! Love it and good luck!"

This was said to me on my second day back.

It was a bumpy start but the nerves settled and more than a few co-workers have said I look far happier and more relaxed.

Yes there has been some pronoun slippage but they always catch themselves and I know it will take some time.

So I am not running to HR every day. That was never my intention.

I even have had a few offers to go to lunch with people and I have been able to accept a few of those already.

It as been very positive thus far and I do hope it continues.

I do hope to have some time to post in the near future. I have things I want to cover and some items I need to get off my conscience.

Just be patient. All good things come to those who wait.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T01:20:00.002-05:00

Catching Up Part III: Work Disclosure

2011-12-16T12:33:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the delay, preparing for fulltime and dealing with the holidays.

Well I don't recommend it.

Can you say busy?

I knew you could.

Thus between Christmas cards, Surgery, baking cookies, getting the final gifts, recovery, still finding things I need for myself, therapy, gift wrapping, electrolysis...ok I'll stop but you get the idea.

There just hasn't been time to write.

(Ok, I got caught up a little during the down time I had stuck at home. Yet not as much as I wanted to as I was tried a lot and resting as much as I could.)

After I got back from my trip down to Florida I had a busy schedule. My revision was on December 2nd. I would be off until the 12th. The team and department were due to find out on the 5th.

That all changed.

Upon my return to the office I got a call from my HR rep.

"We have to tell them on the 1st. We have some big corporation changes and we are going to use that time to add your news to it. Any issues with this?"

I was fine with it really. Though about an hour later my manager emailed me to "suggest" I work from home that day. Everyone knew I didn't want to be present in the room as I didn't want to be a distraction, so they felt it better if I could relax at home and just focus on work I need to do.

They couldn't have been more wrong.

About being relaxed.

Come the morning of the 1st I got up, did the usually shower and get dressed, I simply cannot work in my PJs like some people. I can be just as comfortable in jeans and a sweatshirt but I like to feel clean and presentable or I just feel lazy and useless.

I was doing ok as I sat at my desk working remotely doing just fine until about 10:45.

The reason was my team was due to find out at eleven.

The rest of the department between twelve and one.

To distract myself I started clear some old mail off my desk. Stuff I had been meaning to sort through for a few weeks when I found something important.

I had not rewed my vehicle tags.

Perfect!

With a DMV office not more than a half mile away from my house I can get out of the house for a few, pick up my prescriptions while out also, and hopefully keep myself from freaking out and remain calm.

I quickly sent out an email to the team right before eleven stating I would be away from my PC for about an hour but I would have my cell should anyone need to contact me.

One of my team members sent me an immediate response.

"Umm you do know we have a meeting at eleven right?"

My reply:

"Yes but I already know what it is about."

The response:

"ahhh...ok"

Knowing the person I could her the confusion and bewilderment in his voice through the email. It didn't matter I locked my laptop, my keys and things, and scooted out the door.

Turned out to be a great decision, as I was busy for over and hour with things, got a salad for lunch and was able to keep from completely focusing on it.

I got back to my desk relaxed. Well more relaxed than I was. I still was freaking out a bit on the inside. When about two o'clock I got the first email.

It was all positive as it was a woman in the department who actually was friends with an FTM. She understood it and supported me.

Than another. Followed by another, getting a total of two more that day.

All good, all positive and all repeating one theme. How brave I was and they would be completely supportive of it.

Well as I have made known I am not the brave one others are.

I replied to them all. Since than I have gotten more the following week while I was home recovering. Followed by a few more personal ones once I got back to the office this week.

Now I am not coming to work as me just yet. I did want to give people some time to process the information. With the time I already had off I would only be back for nine days before the holiday break. Then be off again from the 22nd of December until Jan 3rd.

My first day in the office as me.

Right now I am swapped with the things I need to do for the next few weeks. After that I will have to ready myself for the return to the office.

It will be then we see how others will handle it.

At least there hasn't been any negative reactions yet.

I like to think this can happen and go smoothly. I know there will be a period of adjustment for everyone including myself.

We shall see.

Catch Up Part II: The Surgery

2011-12-09T09:10:00.000-05:00

I know, I know the work disclosure needs to be posted but this was a quick one I wanted to get out.

Mostly things have gone really well. It was a much easier recovery this time as it wasn't even a full rhinoplasty but two minor corrections.

I am at home recovering and I can tell you 7 days later and I feel really good and I am looking forward to getting the splint off soon.

The interesting part of the story is what happened before surgery. When I say before, I mean right before. As in when I was in pre-op getting changed and what not.

I was sitting there in sweats and old button down shirt and a zippered hoodie. (Really I would not be able to pull anything over my head so I have been keep some of this stuff around as I will need it at least one more time.)

A pre-op nurse was in the process of taking my vitals, heart rate, blood pressure, mini EKG, etc. When I saw one of the OR nurses start to enter the room.

Then stop.

Back up.

Check the name on the wall outside.

Then start back in.

She asked if I was ? I confirmed. She gave me a curious look, introduced herself as Lisa and then started in the pre-op check list.

That I had not eaten, how had I prepped this morning, asked me what I was having done that morning and started on my medical history.

During this time the pre-op nurse got my wonderful hospital gown, a bag for items, surgical socks laid out on the bed.

While this was going on a second OR nurse came in to the room. Lori. Now I missed her entrance in the room but I did catch an odd exchange with Lisa.

Now I am at the point they need me to change. They arranged the dividers so I would have a little privacy and a changing I went.

As I am changing Lisa and Lori are on the other side of the curtain and we get into the part of my medical history that was covering my daily medications.

Obviously I have to reveal what I am taking and so I do.

Next we get into prior surgeries as I am finishing up and packing the last of my clothes away in the bag.

I explain what I had done before and it all get rather quiet on the other side of the curtain. Only briefly as I then get asked if I am ready.

I indicate that I am and they open the curtain.

(I should note that my mom was not yet in the room with me. She did get to come in a bit while I was waiting but so far I had been on my own.)

So the curtain gets open, they instruct and help me as I get on the bed and situated so I am comfortable and Lori comes around to connect the IV tubes to me and get all that prepped.

At this point Lori looks at me and said:

"Can I ask you a question?"

"...yes?"

"Are you transitioning to a girl?"

(Should I be stunned at this point? Probably not and I don't think I was. Though I might be more realistic in saying that I probably feel a state that would be something along the lines of mild concerns. As I don't know what will happen once I confirm it.)

"Yes I am."

All I see are two big smiles appear and the response of:

"Good for you hun...but we had a hunch once you started telling us our medical history."

Now what I find out is that it was the medical history that made them think this.

No it was, as I discovered during the next few minutes, that my appearance was the first thing. Since it seemed both of them were confused as they entered the room expecting to see something that would reflect him. Only to see a girl sitting in the chair near the wall talking with the pre-op nurse.

That is what caused Lisa to back out of the room cause she thought she had walked into the wrong one.

Apparently Lori did the same but my attention was drawn elsewhere at that time so I missed it.

We then got into the conversation of where I was at in the process. They did and didn't seem surprised that I was on the verge of going full time so soon. That I was in getting the correction on my nose since everything else turned out well from the earlier surgery sans my nose. I told them I was waiting on my name change. HR was in the process of alerting the department and various parts of the company.

They also asked how long it had taken me. I explained to them that I started four years ago by finally having the courage to sit down with a therapist and talk about what was going on with me. Through all that was removing facial hair, losing extra weight, starting hormones once my therapist offered them and I felt I was ready for such a big step. That I had been on them for 2.5 years. All of that.

They both smiled and Lori said this as she was standing next to my arm arranging tubes and starting the drip.

"Hun you look great. This is going to be easy for you really. You look better than a lot of women I know." All said with a big smile.

Lisa followed up with: "You do, you really do look amazing. I would never have any reason not to think otherwise if I ever met you in public. I have known of a few who have done what you are doing, but never one like you. You going to do great!"

With that they both realized they had not asked me what my new name was going to be so I told them. The loved it an thought it fit.

Just before anesthesia came in the door to send me off to sleepy time land. The two of them were wrapping my legs with inflatable compression garments to help leg circulation. Almost at the same time said:

"Just remember you are a pretty girl, no one can take that from you. And don't worry we are going to take very good care of you. We wish you the best of luck!!!"

They left after this to prep the room as my mom came in just before anesthesia.

I explained to my mom that the nurses had figured it out and if she said anything nothing would be a big problem.

I will say the level of professionalism they should me was great. I know they were also curious about me since it was apparent that they don't encounter people like me and I was not meeting their impression of what a trans person was supposed to be. I think they were stuck with the mental image of a over the top drag queen or something like that. I know I thoroughly impressed them and they were genuinely happy for me.

I'll go even further, post-op. All the nursing staff helping me as I woke up and readied to go home all referred to me as her, she, etc. I don't think they ever looked once at the chart they were just doing all they could to get me safely out the door. They even gave me a different under the nose band to help save my skin from tape as what I had was just going to be awful if I wore it for a few day.

My favorite part was the nurse wheeling me out. Telling everyone she was leaving for a bit with me.

"I'll be gone for a bit as I am taking her out to wait for her mom to bring the car around."

:D

I have learned a lot about myself over the last several months. I have learned even more about the world around me. One of the biggest reasons I finally came out to work was the face that I was no longer able to present the general public with a boy. It had become impossible. It was then that I realized I needed to finish this and start the new part of my life.

There will be some ups and downs mostly those will come from those around me who knew him.

Because honestly if I had my name legally changed I don't think those two OR nurses would have suspected anything at all.

Catching Up Part I: The Trip

2011-12-08T12:32:00.000-05:00

Recently I mentioned taking a trip down to Florida to spend some time with a very dear friend and her family.

I don't have many friends right now and worse still, other than my mom, I have lost my sense of family.

In addition to that, over the last four years I haven't really met many trans individuals that I would call close friends. About six or so that I talk to with any kind of regularity. Two that I would consider dear friends.

One of them, however means so much to me that the only way I can accurately explain our relationship is to describe her as my sister.

It is truly just that.

She appeared out of nowhere with an email.

I didn't know why at first.

Until I discovered she had been reading my blog.

Even stranger.

I realized I had been reading hers.

Even though I have talked to a number of people who contacted me through my blog and email address. For some reason(I can only think it was meant to be) her and I immediately identified with the other. We also realized that even though we have encountered a number of people during the course of this journey that here was finally someone we really and truly identified with.

We found a bit of ourself in each other.

From there the friendship blossomed even though we live nearly two thousand miles apart. The truly incredible part was that we were transitioning at nearly the same pace. Though I would always joke with her that I was about six months behind her. (This came true as she went full time June of this year and I am going full time in January, roughly six months later.)

When last year I decided at the last minute to attend a trans conference in Atlanta it was for two reason. One I needed a break from my home life and some of my distress. Two, and more importantly, was she was going to be there.

She had actually asked me weeks earlier if I was going. At that time I wasn't planning on it but after events leading up to it prompted the need for a bit of a getaway.

I really would have rather gone elsewhere but here was an opportunity to finally stand in front of each other face to face.

I took it.

Even though I was terrified that she would not like me as much in person.

That is the truth.

Far from it and even though we were constantly pulled in different directions for the course of that weekend we got to spend some time around each other and together.

I can only speak for myself but I know she was everything I thought she was and more.

Since then the friendship has done nothing but grown.

As I have said, she is my sister, in far more than just being trans, but it is the only word I can think of. Besides it is true.

She is.

So this summer as my family structure was eroding and after disclosing to a number of friends and loosing their friendship. She learned that I was mostly likely spending my holidays by myself (Remember this was before Brandon's cousin C extended an invite to her thanksgiving dinner).

Almost without hesitation she invited me down to Florida to spend it with her family. There were some logistical issues and such to work out but needless to say I was speechless at the invitation.

Her words: "You are more than my friend you are family. You shouldn't be alone for the holidays."

Thus after spending a few weeks sorting out my personal schedule. Clearing the idea with my mom(She was disappointed but also understanding of what this meant to me and encouraged it). Finding a decent fare for a plane ticket down. I accepted.

It was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Even though I am still awaiting my court date for name change and working through the process to start working full time. I knew I was going to spend the week as me. Flying down to Florida. Cooking dinner with her family. Spending time with her kids and getting to know her parents. To attending a football game at her Alma mater(she is a undergrad and graduate there and a booster).

I had a wonderful time.

Even though I was pulled in many different directions. From accompanying them to work. (I think I failed to mention I was wrangled into working on three different computers there.) Getting to learn to cook a thanksgiving turkey (I had never had the opportunity to do so before). Playing games and teaching one to the kids. To meeting her co-workers(my sister has her own accounting firm) whom I bribed with shortbread cookies I baked the night before just in case my charming personality didn't win them over. Along with surprising her parents when they realized I was the Kelli that had been mentioned to them and that I wasn't living full time yet. They wanted to know how it was possible I was still going to work as a boy.

In all it was just a wonderful week to be myself. I enjoyed meeting new people playing, silly yard games while tailgating, to talking with my sisters oldest daughter. Who caught me totally of guard when she walked into the bathroom one morning when I was working on my hair. I, who was sharing one with the kids, naturally thought she needed to use it and asked her such.

She said no, proceed to close the lid on the commode and use it as a chair and opened up conversation with me. Talking about anything and everything. It was just nice to share that time with another girl(even if she is thirteen). Which just went along with the week I had with everyone.

The entire trip was worth every cent I paid for it with the experiences and growth I had a person and me. I never felt self conscious or out of place. My sister even told me how proud she was of me just being myself. That I came out very natural.

Though she did mention to me that I seemed a little awkward when greeting new people. I told her it was just a personality trait. That I really never know the right or wrong way to greet someone for the first time. It is something I have stumbled with my entire life regardless of my trans issues. Once I get past that though, I did find I was a lot quicker to talk to people and have a conversation in the past.

I wasn't quite as shy and quiet at I normally am. I had some great conversations with people because I was able to let myself go.

My favorite part of the who long weekend?

When I wasn't so much asked as I was told I needed to come back next year.

It may sound odd, but that time allowed me to regain some sense of family. I know they aren't mine by birth but I honestly felt a part of it. No one ever made me feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. Quite the opposite in fact.

So the answer to the question about next year?

It is already on my vacation schedule for that week.

REALLYQUICKUPDATE

2011-11-30T08:57:00.001-05:00

The trip to Florida was amazing and so much fun. I simply don't have time for a full post but I have some down time next week I promise to get caught up. It has already been placed in front of me to make it an annual thing. :D

My story gets told to the rest of work tomorrow. At least all of those that really need to know. O_O

I have a nose revision on Friday and the following week off. I won't be able to see anyone until the 12th of December.

Jan 3rd is 33 days away. I am so scared, happy, freaked out, excited, scatterbrained, hopeful, and terrified all at once.

I won't be seeing family for Xmas this year. I simply am not able to get in touch with anyone regarding the upcoming changes. :(

That is all I got for now. As I mentioned I will follow up with more next week when I have some actual free time. I am not sure I actually remember what that is.

More soon!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T01:01:00.001-05:00

Leaving on a Jet Plane

2011-11-22T09:57:00.001-05:00

Today I am getting out of dodge.

I get to hop on a plane and fly to visit a dear friend and her family for the holiday.

Since I am not being invited to my parents (because of dad). Oh well. I know I will catch up with mom later.

In the mean time I will get to fly down as me. Spend a number of days soaking up the sun. Sharing time with friends. Then come back. All as me.

But most importantly I hope I am charging up the soul's batteries. Since when I come back I will be down to just over thirty days left before full time. Not to mention the department at large finding out. I could probably really use the boost.

I will post when I get back about how it all goes and hopefully have some stories.

See you all soon.

Teardrops on My Pillow

2011-11-16T09:52:00.000-05:00

Two weekends ago I got a call from my Brother on Friday night.

Sadly I had been kind of avoiding him. I felt bad about it but I just felt that if I did talk to him it would turn in a direction that would be uncomfortable and awkward at best.

Yet I felt compelled to answer it this time thinking I should stop and actually talk to him for a change.

It could not have been a worse decision.

Now it didn't start of bad. He brought up his favorite topic. The local NHL team that we are both huge fans of. Discussing things about the team the some of the issues they have been dealing with. Etc.

Nothing earth shattering with that. I don't mind it either for a couple of reasons. First if it gets a person comfortable talking to me, good. Second, talking about something familiar is always a good thing.

Well it didn't last long.

Sadly we got into what is going on with me.

I don't have a problem talking about it. I informed him of where I was at and what was happening.

I could hear some sadness in his voice, I assume in regards to losing his little brother. I made mention that he is gaining a little sister in the process. Not really sure that went over very well. I am trying to get people to look on the brighter side of things.

I know I have had to otherwise I would have lost my mind a long time ago.

We kept on this line of thinking and discussing the changes coming when the worst happened.

He interrupted me and started saying how he didn't understand how I could ever look like a woman. To the point that he actually started laughing about it and attempting to compare me to a famous model.

Did I mention he laughed?

It wasn't an uncomfortable laugh either. It was a plain cold laugh of 'you are going to look so ridiculous and I cannot believe you are doing this' laugh.

It hurt.

A lot.

If fact I think I was crying for the rest of the entire call.

I did manage to hide that. I also responded.

First I told him how unfair it was that he would compare me to someone else. Let alone a super model.

Really?

In today's day and age models are all what they appear.

Cindy Crawford once famously stated she wished she looked like Cindy Crawford.

Thus holding me to an impossible standard wasn't fair at all.

I was simply trying to be me.

I did my best to explain to him that even when I am trying to be a boy. I hardly if ever get identified as a boy. Nope I almost always get viewed as a girl these days no matter how I am dressed.

I also did my best to convey the idea that when dressed up a bit. I seem to attract a fair amount of attention and advances.

People seem to think I am pretty. So why should I accept what he thinks.

I understand he is struggling with it. I didn't get angry or mad at him. I just tried to tell him that no matter what he thought it wasn't what everyone else thinks.

As if he is one to judge at all. He ignored his family, ended up getting divorced, moving to the ends of the earth, hardly sees anyone or his kids, and now complains about how lonely he is.

Like this really make him a pillar of how to live life and judge others. What exactly has he done?

Nothing.

Yet he is my brother. I would like him to remain my brother. He can be a great person when he wants to be. I have learned and experienced a lot from him. Even if it was the wrong thing to do.

I just didn't need this now.

Plus as hard as I tried I wanted to end the conversation and get off the phone. I really didn't want to talk to him anymore after we went through all that.

Sadly I spent almost another hour on the phone after that. Still getting teased and laughed at.

I finally made a plea to get some sleep as it was late, and I got him to let me go.

It hurt.

It still hurts today.

I try not to dwell on it because in the long run his opinion will not matter much.

Maybe one day it he will see it, maybe he won't.

But I am not living my life for him anymore.

I am doing it for me.

No one ever likes to be laughed at, in that manner.

Worse still as it came from family.

I know I cried myself to sleep that night.

Gonna Make You Sweat.

2011-11-08T12:44:00.000-05:00

“But I think the first real change in women’s body image came when JLo turned it butt-style. That was the first time that having a large-scale situation in the back was part of mainstream American beauty. Girls wanted butts now. Men were free to admit that they had always enjoyed them. And then, what felt like moments later, boom—Beyoncé brought the leg meat. A back porch and thick muscular legs were now widely admired. And from that day forward, women embraced their diversity and realized that all shapes and sizes are beautiful. Ah ha ha. No. I’m totally messing with you. All Beyonce and JLo have done is add to the laundry list of attributes women must have to qualify as beautiful. Now every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.” -- Tina Fey, Bossypants

I like this quote for a number of reasons. It is so very true that we try to hold ourselves up to impossible standards. You have seen the digital alteration of models to make them look better. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hibyAJOSW8U]

Even worse when they alter a woman's figure into something unobtainable. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rq5sVyTpbmI]

Lately there has been a movement entitled Thinspiration. The idea is pretty and fit(mostly skinny) girls showing off with hard work what they now look like.

There is also an anti-thinspriation buzz where they deride these girls saying that starving yourself to try and reach a body that isn't possible or unhealthy.

They are both right.

And they are both wrong.

I fully understand women come in all shapes and sizes. It is physically impossible to all be 5'6", 110 lbs and a size 4 or even 2.

Which brings us to why I am talking about this anyway.

Recently I had been feeling, well for lack of a better term, fat.

Not that I actually was, but I was feeling lethargic and bloated. I still watch my diet and I was still walking a lot. It just seemed as if my body was just caring extra weight and/or flab around.

Something also occurred to me as I was pondering this a few weeks ago and noting my weight was sitting a bit on the higher side. One I was I have reached the two and a half hear mark of being on HRT. While I haven't avoided activity I haven't exactly done a lot of higher intensity stuff as I used to. Knowing this, I felt that this was sufficiently a long enough period to say that my body had change and really wasn't like it used to be.

Suffice it to say I had shifted form the influence of testosterone and wasn't feeling the easy calorie burn anymore. I was feeling blah.

So the time had come to add something to my routine. I can still eat sensibly and keep walking, i just needed a little more. I found this:

Do this first thing in the morning before

your brain knows what you are doing

Do 2x: 50 Jumping Jacks -- 5 Pushups --

20 situps or crunches -- 20 Mountain climbers --

30 second plank -- 7 burpees

If you are not familiar with some of the exercises I highly suggest googling them. I like this because it is simply and fast. I do this first thing in the morning it takes me 15 minutes. (I am not trying to do it fast I have long held that taking the time and doing an exercise in a controlled fashion is far more productive than trying to speed through it.) I than can hop into the shower and start getting ready for work. I am in week four and I can tell you it is HARD. That first week was killer as I have been doing it five days a week.

The effort as already been felt. My body needed this extra work. I am enjoying it. I already feel better but I know it will take time to really see the results. I must keep the following in mind.

Now the list was compiled with women in mind. The picture with it is classic thinspiration thinking. Work out like this, look like that.

This is where they are wrong.

I'll never look like that, it just isn't in my shape or DNA.

That doesn't mean I have to accept the out of shape feeling I was having. Which is where I disagree with the anti-thinspiration crowd.

I am not a size 16 nor am I a 2. I am solid 8 and I am more than happy at that. Yet I want to stay there comfortably. I won't starve myself, but I started eating healthier several years ago. Now I am just wanting to increase my fitness level to say their easily and not feel so guilt when I consume something yummy.

This is why I feel the anti-thinspiration mindset is right. Embrace your body both good and bad. Learn to love it and find ways to feel good about it.

Just don't fall into the trap that fat is beautiful that I see quite often on these types of sites.

You are not going to be a size two the thinspiration crowd would like you to think. But that doesn't mean you have to let yourself to. Take care of that body. It is the only one you have. So be the best size 2 or size 16, or wherever else you fall. Just do take care of it. Don't starve yourself, just eat better. Get some exercise.

Find that balance. Really these two groups need to come together. A happy medium is the best place for you to be at. You'll feel better, which means you will look better to others around you. Find an exercise program that works for you and watch what you eat, but enjoy yourself from time to time too.

Don't be something you can't but don't be miserable about it either.

You need that body to go out and enjoy life. Best take care of it.

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T07:48:00.002-04:00

Shopping With Mom

2011-10-27T11:52:00.000-04:00

Ok, I realize this post is long overdue.

Really I am sorry, life have been busy, busy, busy.

I think I have mentioned that.

Yep, I did.

(Sheepishly I will admit to accidentally deleting my original draft. Hey, I did say it was an accident. Sheesh!!!)

However, without further ado I give you the complete story of what happened when I went shopping with mom.

First even though I got up early, gave myself plenty of time to eat breakfast, shower, dress, hair and a bit of makeup. That guy Murphy decided to make an appearance.

I got three phone calls. Had to sit on hold for half an hour with a support desk. Talk with two different people. (which makes doing your hair and makeup really, really challenging. I managed to leave my house only a half hour later then I wanted to. Which would put me about 15 minutes late in meeting my mom.

I did have to stop at the ATM first and I was originally leaving with enough time to do that and get there on time.

Did I mention that guy Murphy? Yeah he and I are so not friends.

So once in the car I gave my mom's cell a quick ring. Now I should not I have never used my voice in front of her.

"Hello?"

"Hi? Are you there? (Mom can be a little cell phone challenged)

"Yes. Who is this?"

"LOL!! It's your daughter!"

"{pause} OH!!! Did something happen?"

"No but I am running a bit behind. Long story but I will be there about 15 to 20 minutes late."

"Oh, ok, don't worry I am just leaving myself so I will be a little late too."

"Ok, I will see you then."

I guess when your own mother doesn't recognize your voice on the phone you know it has changed. Too funny.

After a quick trip to the bank and the twenty-five minute drive over to that side of town. I pulled up next to my mother waiting in her car at the prearranged location.

Now I parked on the near side of her so my car was between us as I got out. This gave me the chance straighten myself out before I walked around the car to meet her.

I should note here that was simply in some jeans, sneakers, tunic sweater, scarf(it was cold that day), and my lighter sport jacket. Really I was shopping and other than dealing with the scarf from time to time. I wanted something cute but able to get in and out of quickly for changing.

Proceeding around the car I stopped in front of her and said 'Hi Mom!'

She stopped, took me in, grew a big smile on her face and came forward to give me a hug. Then she stepped back and said I looked good. Different but good.

We proceeded to walk into Nordstroms which is at one end of the outdoor mall that we were at.

{If you are not familiar with outdoor malls leaving each store takes you outside to a cobblestone or paved walkway. Even though the stores are facing each other as they would in a typical mall you are always outside moving between store. I like the idea but here in the Midwest it can be challenging but on crisp winter days it can be really need especially with all the decorations outside.}

I like Nordstroms because I can afford some of the stuff in there and they usually have a good sampling of current trends. If I find something I like but it is too expensive I keep the item in mind as I hit other store. Still I do buy a fair amount from them because I typically am never disappointed in the selection, quality and the service. There is a story about this coming later in the is post.

As we entered the first set of doors. I stopped for a minute adjusted my hair, as it was windy this day, and straighten my purse. I turned to my mom before we went in the second set of doors if she knew what the rules for the day were.

She looked me and smiled stating that I was Kelli and that I was her daughter for the day. No other names or pronouns were to be used. I love my mom, but she can be frustrating and stubborn at times so with a sigh of relief, knowing she was aware. I started to go in. Yet she stopped me, with yet another smile and said: "It shouldn't be too hard for me, you do look really good, and cute I might add."

This totally broke the ice with me and I was fine for the rest of the day. Really I was relaxed and totally at ease the rest of the day.

Mom was great, really she was. We were there for a total of five hours and during that entire time she only slipped once. Really I couldn't even get upset because she caught herself and I could totally tell it was just force of habit that caused it. Think about it I have been her son for almost thirty-seven years. Old habit die hard, but I cannot complain when since that was the only issue. She even referred to me as her daughter to sales people and other shoppers and I went through the stores. I could not have asked anymore from her.

She like what I was shopping for as I was looking to increase my wardrobe with things I could wear to work, and I was picking out things that looked tasteful and good on me. While being a bit stylish here and there. Plus I was looking for pieces I could use with other things that I already had in my closet.

I think my second favorite part was I found a really nice winter coat that I could use for casual or dress if I needed to and it was very reasonably priced at Nordstroms. I was complaining about my figure when I took my jacket off and she saw all of me underneath without being hidden by the bulky coat. Her eyes popped and then gently chided me about even complaining. I laughed and said my shoulders were a bit bulkier and wider for someone my height than if I had been born a girl. I noticed that when trying certain tops on and jackets and coats are the trickiest for me.

She just chuckled and told me I was being silly but then smirked and said: "Well you are just like any other woman, there is always something they complain about."

LOL!

Remember the scarf? Well when I was looking at coats and jackets I took it off a minute so it wouldn't interfere. Mom told me not to untie it thinking I would have a hard time redoing it. I chuckled at her and told her not to worry. Which became clear when I went to retie it and I through it over my shoulders brought it back around front and did this little pretzel style knot in it.

She looked at me and immediately wanted to know how I learned that. I told her I looked it up and that I knew a few others too. Then proceeded to demonstrate two other before going back to my original look. She laughed and told me I had to teach her how to do that.

I haven't had much time to talk with her after this but through the day and even at lunch my mom look completely relax and that might have had something to do with that I was relaxed myself. It took me a long time but I really am at peace with myself and probably more pleasant and comfortable to be with. We laughed about a few things. She chided me for my clothing fussiness and I teased her about being a mom.

My favorite part was when she had to leave (she is nearly 68) and was tired but gave me a big hug and told me she was really proud and told me I surprised her with what I looked like and stated I was going to be just fine.

My mom is can be difficult and opinionated, trust me I know myself first hand. But I also hear it second hand from various parts of the family. Still she had been a huge boost and supporter of me through all this. I think that even though I know she can be a pain, we are getting along better because I am not at odds with myself as much so than I am not at odds as much with her.

I am glad I went. I am glad I enjoyed myself and I am glad my mom finally got to meet me. I feel it went a long way with her. I know I will find out when I talk to her in about a week when we do the usual dinner thing.

Oh and before I go the coat thing. After going to several other store to see if I could find something else we returned to Nordstroms to look at the coat again. Mom and I agreed it look really good on me and it fit the best. The issue was the zipper would pull itself open after I had zipped it closed. With almost no effort really. So I asked the sales girl about it and she looked at it, told me to hold on a second.

She went and called Alteration's they sent a person up looked at the issue and said they would replace the zipper. She looked at me and said 'no cost' but did ask how soon I needed it. I just said if they could have it done this week that would be great. She said that wasn't a problem and after taking my name and information (yes I am registered in Nordstroms computer as Kelli) took the jacket and I got an alteration receipt.

For a coat that was $130(see not always the most price), knee length, they replaced the entire zipper at no cost to make the sale. Both the alterations person and my sale girl told me Nordstroms refuses to sell faulty merchandise. Even that if anything ever needed alterations they do them for at no cost.

Service there has always been superb and I never have been dissatisfied with anything I have ever purchased. Yes I cannot spend too much there but sometimes they are totally worth it.

It was a very productive day in more ways than one.

Week In Review

2011-10-24T15:52:00.000-04:00

I know there are posts that I need to finish, trust me I am working on them but I have been exceedingly busy. When I do finally have time to sit down I have been crashing. Hard.

Most of the time I am either reading for a bit or catching up on a little TV when I finally get some spare time.

(Really I don't even know what spare time is these days. Honestly I am told it exists but like Bigfoot and the Loch ness monster, I am having a hard time believing it does.)

(I DVR Dexter, The Walking Dead, Mythbusters, and Castle. I totally forgot to set a schedule for Once Upon A Time. Told you I have been busy. And yes that is about all I watch regarding TV.)

I do promise to get caught up with my outstanding posts. I know there is a big one everyone wants to read.

There is a friend I owe an email too and I feel bad about it. She probably thinks I have been neglecting her. I haven't but there are times were I have so much other things to focus on that I just don't have enough time in the day.

Who do I have to ask to get the number of hours in a day bummed from 24 to 32.

Better still who do I have to bribe or kill to get 32 hours.

Ran into a little snafu getting my fingerprints taken for my requisite background check so I can legally change my name.

The issue?

My drivers license picture doesn't match me or I don't match it. Which ever works better to your point of view.

The Detective refused since he could no verify I was who I said I was.

I am? Well we know that answer but we still have to prove I was the old person I pretended I was for so long.

Details. Psssh!

Thankfully I had taken the afternoon off so I rushed over to the local DMV office and got my license updated with a new picture. Didn't care too much about what I looked like since it will all get changed again when I change my name.

I will have to wait for the new one to arrive by mail. So I will be back to my local police department next week so I can get printed and checked.

Really if I am not me who is?

Is there someone out there who looks more like me than I do.

This could explain the sudden spikes on my credit cards.

No...wait...that is all me.

Damn.

Crammed in between therapy, electrolysis(can't wait for that to be done). I had to get a flower arrangement sent to the funeral I am not allowed to attend. Return to Nordstroms for a winter coat that I liked.

Not that I decided I wanted it I did but last weekend when I was there with my mom (I know, I know. No need to remind me.) The zipper kept breaking open, it wasn't the size that was an issue just a simple tug on the coat, say putting your hand in your pockets, would cause it. Nordstroms offered to replace the zipper for free. After I had tried on so many coats that day I couldn't say no.

Hence I returned on Saturday to pick it up. Now since I had been running around with other things that day as the boy. I needed to change because Nordstroms had everything registered as Kelli.

The neato part? Well I was rushing right? So quick change of clothing, hair pulled up into a ponytail strung through the hole in the back of a hat. Grabbed my purse and jacket. Out the door I went.

No makeup or anything else whatsoever.

As soon as I walked into the coat department. Ma'am can I help you? No questions. No weird looks.

Really though at least the hard work, pain and effort is showing. A year ago I wouldn't have tried it without a wig, two years ago, without makeup. Yet here I am today using neither and just letting myself be me.

And it worked.

Better still I didn't even think about it or panic.

In addition to having a few sit down talks with my manager again, and my department head. Well things are looking up the both seems to relax a little and were willing to discuss somethings. It is a start regardless.

Just busy, busy, busy.

Oh and in this lack of spare time I need to increase my workout program. I am going to introduce some calisthenics to help with overall fitness and muscle tone. Nothing to build anything up I don't need but I would like to start toning a bit now that my body has been pleasantly adjusted by HRT.

I just want to see if I can trim a little more of the unnecessary deposits off my figure. Plus I have been holding at the higher end of my weight scale so I know I have been carrying more then usual.

I think that is it. I'll have posts coming when I can get some spare time...

...Hahaha, who am I kidding?

It Isn't Always Rainbows and Lollipops

2011-10-20T07:59:00.001-04:00

Even though I have had been lucky enough to generally have good reactions to telling people about me, it hasn't all been wonderful.

I still haven't heard from my friend J since the night I told her.

My bother, while still talking to me, obviously doesn't want to deal with the issue.

But the worst thing I have come to realize is that I may never see my father in person again.

How do I know this?

My mom called me last night to tell me her Aunt and godmother passed way. She was my Grandmother's sister.

I haven't seen much of the side of the family in the last ten years but I do remember them and I used to see them rather frequently.

So when my mom gave me the news I asked her to tell me when to arrangements would be made and where I needed to be without thinking.

It appears that wasn't the best idea.

I could hear the distress in her voice as she told me that I probably should not come to the viewing.

There was obvious pain in her words regarding it. It had nothing to do with me and my situation. She actually said she would have asked her cousin(this was her mother who passed) if I could come to the viewing, as she already knows about me.

It was the simple fact that my Father would be the problem. My mom told me flat out that if I needed to come around and work on their computer my dad would make himself scarce.

She also let me know that the idea of having me over one weekend after thanksgiving, since they are going to visit my brother and I am visiting friends, isn't going to happen either.

It was her hope that she could have gotten my father to sit down with me and try to at least see me. She simply wants him to acknowledge me as a person. As a daughter or child was another matter but if she could start there that would be a positive step.

I even told her I would do it. Even it if got painful or ugly I would at least make the effort.

My dad doesn't want to.

I could hear the pain in my mom's voice as she said this too me. She knows I am still going to talk to her. That even though I have changed I am still her child and still mostly the person she remembers. Just with a few changes.

I know she trying her best but I also know she is feeling like her family is being torn apart.

I don't blame my mom for telling me I should not come. She didn't want my dad and I to make a scene at a funeral, though that would be on him. I wasn't going to start anything and would probably try to walk away if it did. I completely agree with mom since that isn't the time or place for anything. So I will stay home and send my condolences from afar.

The sobering thought when I hung up with my mom was that this type of event might be the only time I get to see my dad again and not in the manner I would want to.

This means that even though I have had some wonderful friends, been able to take the steps I have to finally be happy and myself, it doesn't come with out it's share of pain, heartache and loss.

As the title of this post states...

...It isn't always rainbows and lollipops.

People Say The Darnest Things

2011-10-19T10:25:00.000-04:00

As I have mentioned recently I disclosed my function to the human resources department at my current employer.

We all know that went rather well and since then things have been moving along. My department head was informed along with my direct manager. I haven't spoken to my department head but I have talked to my manager.

As to be expected he was shocked but that as long as I perform my job he told me he would be supportive. We both knew there would be some adjustments but we would work through it. I did leave myself open to questions if he had any and he did say he would take me up on that at some point.

So far, so good on that front.

I have not had the opportunity to talk to my department head but I plan on doing that soon.

Last week I had a meeting with my HR representative and it was nice to go over timelines and find out where everything stood at this point.

I know a few of the executives know and more will be finding out soon. Also we went over how announcement were being planned out and what I thought of things so far.

However one of the things that was supposed to happen at this meeting, didn't.

Namely meeting my HR director.

Since I had contacted HR and told them about my situation my rep has mentioned having me met her. I didn't disagree but since she is a very busy exec and between all our schedules I had not happened.

And at the little update meeting I had last week she was out with pneumonia so again we missed meeting.

Until today.

I made the march over to the other building at the appointed time and met with my rep briefly. After a brief talk he had me sit and wait in a sitting area that are dotted around the building so he could then go check to see if she was available.

After just a few minutes she popped out of her office and came over introduced herself and brought us all into her office.

A few pleasantries were exchanged and we moved on to the heart of the matter. My rep open with everything we talked about last week. Giving her a brief overview of timelines and other items. Several things were mentioned and he finished by asking me if Jan 3rd was still a date that would work for me and mentioned that from what I had told him work was the only place he really existed.

This was true and I stated that I had just reached a point with everything were work was really the only place he was left.

The Director interrupted at this point and asked me about these changes. I briefly described that I had spent the last three years changing who I was physically to match who I was.

"Can I ask you a question about this?"

"Of course."

"Has anyone asked or mentioned anything to you about your appearance?"

"Not really. Though a couple of people have asked about my hair but nothing much else has been said."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

She looked right at me with an expression that could only be described as awe.

"Honestly that completely surprised me. You, sitting here right now, look completely like a woman. If I didn't know you were supposed to be 'him' I wouldn't think twice about it."

You could have pushed me over with a feather.

From that point her whole demeanor was just a positive push that this wasn't going to be an issue. Almost like up to this meeting she was wondering how it was all going to work and the moment I walked into her office, that problem went out the door.

As if she knew right then and there. Ok this isn't going to be an issue. In fact it should be rather easy.

Her statement later about the bathroom issue really confirmed this when she told met that should not even be a problem as most people, if they were to encounter, me would not even realize anything. They were going to work on it and make sure everyone would be happy with the situation. She also came to understand that to force anything else would make my life difficult because it was obvious walking into the men's bathroom is not an easy task for me now.

We discussed several other things, all positive and the plan is starting to firm up.

They also told me that other than the immediate department and some other people I see from time to time they were not going to make it a company wide thing. Since I stay hidden in my little corner most days, she gave me the impression that telling everyone would place a unnecessary focus on me since she feels I am not really going to be drawing attention to myself otherwise.

This I think came from meeting me first hand and seeing what she was dealing with.

By the end of the meeting it was her hope that I could do this successfully, we are a creative environment and very diverse. However, as I have mentioned and she understood, that you just never know how someone will react. There will be a company notice regarding diversity sent out and it will focus a bit on having a trans employee. They just don't want to place a target on me as they feel it would be unfair.

It something were to come up it would have to be brought to HR's attention and discussed so it isn't like I am going to stay hidden by any means.

I can live with that and I actually like it. It isn't my intention to live fully stealth but I don't plan on advertising it either. Since I don't interact with 95% of the population why do they all have to be told upfront.

When you consider the reaction the Director had to my appearance, and mind you I was trying to be a boy, that says a lot.

I was always worried what kind of reaction I would get as I started coming out to work but I certainly did expect this.

End of the World as I Know It

2011-10-14T09:42:00.001-04:00

Can I freak out now?

Please?

Pretty please?

With sugar on top?

Hard to believe I am here.

After all the pain. The lifetime of telling myself that this wasn't possible.

Sitting down almost four years ago admitting to myself I had an issue and that I needed help.

Working through all of it with a therapist, wrapping my noggin around the concept and setting things into motion.

Though it seems like everything has unfolded very slowly and has taken forever, a profound thought finally hit me.

I have 81 days left.

81?!?!

Where did that come from? It didn't seem that long ago I didn't know what was possible. I was still fighting myself with everything I had.

Working through numerous hangups to even take the smallest steps.

Yet here I am staring it right in the face.

So far things are good. Had a few more disclosures that I would say went ok.

Talked with HR yesterday, the are putting together a great plan to allow me to do this. They really have done their homework and talked about some of the things they want to do. I really do have to tip my hat to them in regards to their effort.

It was after the conversation I realized I am nearing a major, MAJOR, milestone.

And that I am really here at this point.

Jan 3rd will be my first day at work. At that point I will be living full time as me.

I am scared, nervous, excited and amazed all at the same time.

It really is very surreal.

All I have been doing is trying to deal with my anxiety keep doing things that I need to and taking my mind off it when ever I have down time. (I have been doing a lot of reading when I am not busy otherwise I think I would just let my nerves get the better of me if I didn't stay occupied with something.)

The clock is ticking things are about to change.

Change is good right?

No Dinner With Mom?

2011-10-04T10:34:00.000-04:00

As you might now if you have been following along. I have been having dinner with my mom once a month. Mostly this is due to the fact that as of right now I am not welcome around my father. His issue and Mom is working on him but she knows it will take time.

She surprised me during our last dinner when she said she didn't care if my Dad ever acknowledge me as his child or even daughter but she did want him to be able to acknowledge me as a person. She is determined on that part and figures if she can get him that far the rest might fall in line behind it.

Kudos to Mom for at least starting there and working her way up. Who knows if anything will ever happen.

Now we had been meeting once a month on the first Wednesday of that month. However she called me during the week before last weekend to ask if I could move our meeting to the Wednesday after.

I am ok with that as it does occasionally need to happen.

Know this though that up until now I we had been meeting mid week on a Wednesday and since I work south of where I live and she lives north of where I live, I was generally racing out of work to meet her around six pm. Which meant I had always been doing the work/boy mode thing.

Over the weekend I thought about this and on Sunday night I called her back.

I asked her if she would be interested in doing something different than dinner.

She said sure.

I then asked her if she wanted to go shopping either this Saturday or next which ever worked better for her.

She said she would love too.

I next asked her: "You do realize why I am asking this and what is going to happen if we do, right?"

"I am going to meet my Daughter?"

"Yes. Are you ok with this?"

"Of course I was going to have to meet you at some point. I have been looking forward to it."

"Lol why didn't you say so? We could have done this earlier."

"I was waiting for you to ask."

LOL! I told her I had been waiting for her to suggest she was ready. We laughed about it and set it for the second Saturday.

So in just under two weeks I am going shopping with my mom. And she is going to met me for the very first time.

I am excite, nervous and scared all at the same time. The good news was my mom seemed very enthusiastic about it and willing. Which helps.

We will see how it goes and I am sure there will be a story.

I mean how could there not be?

Disaster Averted

2011-09-26T15:29:00.000-04:00

This last week I had my annual physical with my general practitioner. Now as this appointment approached I realized I was getting low on my hormone supply.

Perfect! Usually when these two appointments get close like this I have my GP add a few extra test to the list and send the extra results to my HRT Doctor.

Knowing this I called the office of my HRT Doctor.

Only to find out he was no longer practicing at that office.

In fact they didn't have any way for me to contact him and scouring the internet and other resources I could not find him.

O_O

Oh, did I mention the HRT supply was getting low?

Yep, not good. remembering how when I stopped hormones for surgery I became the wicked stepmother incarnate.

Knowing this I starting scouring the internet and any other trans related forums I could find and came up with a name. Better still he was an Endocrinologist (which my other wasn't), which I had always would have preferred but had trouble finding one two and half years ago. On top of it all he is a well known Doctor at the biggest university around here. Not to mention one of the top medical schools in the country. Double super bonus he accepts my medical insurance.

And he sees trans patients.

Woot!

The issue was, when could I get into see him.

By the time I tracked all this info down the best I could do was call him the morning of my appointment with my GP. Hopefully I could get this resolved and have my GP help me in the mean time if there was an issue.

I called and got a wonderful office associate named Pam. She asked me why I wanted to see the doctor. So I explained I was on hormones and my last doctor was no longer practicing. My current prescription was running out and I needed to find a new doctor.

She told me that wasn't a problem but that he was on vacation in October so when he could get me in was going to be tricky. Yet before that she asked if I was a new patient to the Hospital and University's medical care program. Explaining that I was she still decided to double check.

"Let me just make sure you aren't in here somewhere. What is you last name?"

Which I supplied.

"Ok what is your first name?"

{Knowing that my insurance was on my old name still, and that for now I am legally known as him I gave her that one. }

"Wait...Your {His name}?"

"Yes."

"oh...{pause}...OH! I see, well you aren't in the system, but for our records do you have another name you prefer, so that we can put it into our records?"

"Yes, Kelli. Is it going to be an issue that my name isn't changed yet?"

"Oh no, of course not! We just want to know so we address you correctly when you are here. Are you going to be changing it?"

"Yes, that should be happening sometime in the next six months."

"Great! Well for now we will bill you with the old name but when you change it and your insurance changes just let us know so we can update everything."

"Thank you so much."

"Oh it is no problem at all sweetie. Now lets find a day we can get you in."

Which she did. She was so very sweet and apologized for a system goof on her part. Which didn't bug me at all. She was very nice and extremely helpful so taking a little longer to sort things out wasn't an issue. She found a couple of dates in November for me and I choose the first one that would work the best.

Appointment set she put me on hold and got the records office on the phone to properly get all my insurance info into the system. Before she let me go she did inform me that I would be getting a patient record card in the mail and a notice of my first appointment. And to bring the patient card with me as it will expedite entering my info into the system.

That all set I had one other issue to take care of.

Namely, my current hormone supply was not going to last until the second week of November.

Off to my annual physical I went.

Once my Doctor got into the room, we went over everything that was going on. He did the standard physical once over for someone my age and asked me about my hormones, as he isn't handling them. He just isn't experienced with it and doesn't feel comfortable doing so. Which is fine with me. I just want him to be me standard doctor and take care of the mundane stuff.

This allowed me to then go into the story I mentioned already. He was shocked as he knew the other doctor and had not heard anything. He was then extremely curious as to what had happened. I did stop him before he went to far and added that I was going to run out of hormones soon and was wondering if he could refill my current script so I would at least have enough to get me through the waiting period and than have the new doctor take it from there.

He asked how long I had been on these doses and I told him almost twenty months. This relaxed him a bit as he wasn't going to be changing what I was taking.

We then finished my appointment, had the nurse come in and draw blood for the usual test and the extra ones. Prescriptions in hand I was on my way.

Glad a least to have myself covered until the end of the year and a new doctor on the way. Because when I found all this out I was in total panic mode since things had been going so well up to this point. That and I recalled the misery I was in during the time I had to stop for surgery.

I am so not looking forward to that ever again.

At least I manage to avoid that again.

Tipping the Scales

2011-09-23T15:05:00.000-04:00

And no, this post as nothing to do with the bathroom variety.

For me to successfully transition I had to defeat my long standing arguments and logic of why I shouldn't transition.

Minus the fear, which is always there. I had to undo one basic fundamental reason I usually used to stomp out the idea whenever it came roaring to the front of my head.

You(as in me)don't look like a girl.

It was easy to use against myself. As strong as the desire was to do something about my transsexualism I could take one look in the mirror and say; Nope, not even possible! End of story.

I mean really, I had let myself go. I was fifty pounds over weight, I was flabby, hairy and had been cutting my hair incredible short for fifteen years.

To say the experience of stepping outside as me, the first time, was traumatic is a bold faced understatement.

Every argument and logical reasoning, all fueled by fear, I had was in my head resonating like a jet airplane. Screaming at me that this was all wrong, it would never work, etc, etc, etc.

And really I came home and cried that day for two reasons.

First, I never thought it would ever be possible.

Two, I didn't want to live the way I had anymore.

No easy feat. I knew right away I had a very long road ahead of me. Yet if I was going to do this I needed to change just about everything about me.

At least physically.

I started a controlled and careful diet and consistent exercise. Which I maintain as best I can to this day.

I began letting my hair grow out.

Then there was the removal of facial hair. (Still working on this one but I am getting really close. YAY!!)

Next I brought hormones into the mix. This had a larger effect on me mentally but the physical changes cannot be discounted.

The other ingredient was time. Really I started all this four years ago, maybe not all at once but I did start with what I could at that time.

I simply needed to sit back and let all these ingredients simmer for a bit.

When they were close and almost ready I added in a big one by changing a few of my most glaring facial features via surgery.

Really there were a few things that just had to change and a couple I wanted for aesthetical reason.

OK! Shush, so I was also being a little vain. Fine, I'll admit it but if I was going to go under the knife why not spruce up two things. Again I was trying to defeat a long standing reason for not transitioning.

Now that I have taken the time, the pain, the process. Things have indeed changed and for the better.

This was a driving force behind my finally telling HR. I had simply stopped existing as a boy, not counting work.

Once things finally had healed up, and other things kept changing. (Think hair) I would try to present the world with a boy and fail miserably at it.

To the point I can't even show someone my old drivers license and have them use the old gender pronouns toward me.

He, effectively, is gone. The constant reverberation of what the world at large thinks about me, when they see me, has finally quashed those old arguments. They simply have no muscle behind them and their faint little whimper is about to disappear entirely.

I literally tipped the scales the other way. I am no long afraid of stepping out of the house as a girl. It doesn't bother me. I simply am.

The converse side of the equation is that I am uncomfortable attempting to be a boy. Sans work, every other local I step into has viewed me as a girl. I get more odd looks then than I do as a me.

There was a lot of pain. It took a lot of patience but the balance as swung. I know who I am know and I am comfortable with that person.

I am not saying this method is for everyone. Some people might just be able to go into head first and handle it just fine. For me, I need to push myself far enough that there were wasn't another option. Because I knew fear would convince me to take it.

Am I done yet? No. There are a few things left to do. Thought I am far enough along that they aren't a big issue and one of them would only happen after I went full time anyway.

And that isn't that far away.

The Other Woman

2011-09-16T22:34:00.001-04:00

Who would be me!

Scandalous!!! It'll be splashed over all the tabloid before I know it.

Now I know I am thinking I totally just shattered your good girl image of me.

I haven't, maybe.

Not sure actually, but let me explain.

Last weekend I was out with B(shocker I know!). This was actually the first time in nearly four weeks we were able to spend any considerable time together. Other than seeing him for about an hour at the end of the evening I spent with C.

So there we were hanging out at his favorite spot, catching up on things, laughing, having fun.

As we discussed everything that was going on he reviled to me that he had a work wife at the new job.

{insert eye-twitching jealous rage}

They are in the same training program. They had been hanging out after work, which is easy to do when you are both getting off the clock at around midnight. He had a lot of good things to say about her and she was the first co-worker at the new job he has come out too.

All in all it seemed like she was someone worth while and he seemed to really like having her as a friend.

While chatting about everything B gets a call from...well I will call her C² since I don't have a clever nickname yet and she shares the same first initial as C...C²

Seems she is out and about with friends for a bachelorette party and wants B to come hang out a bit.

Now I don't know about other locales but the latest thing around here is for a bachelorette party to end up at a gay bar where there is a drag show. I don't get it myself but that is becoming quite common.

The only place in our area is the same location I used to frequent when trying to build up my nerve to go out. It is a gay bar, has a drag show and on Saturday nights is trans night.

I never felt I fit in there and haven't been in a long time.

Yet B wanted me to meet her, I think because he saw the three of us hanging out from time to time. Since it was for him I screwed up my courage and went.

{must resist temptation to stab}

Best timing ever as we parked and headed in C²'s party bus pulled in. We waited out side for the happy(by happy I mean drunk) party to climb(stumble) out of their transportation. It was near eleven at this time so some of them were in a really good mood.

Introductions around as C² explained to the party who B was. Then turned to met me.

From there things get weird but not immediately.

She was friendly but inside B and I ran into our friends S & J whom had already met C² a week or so earlier. I forget the exact story.

Here is what I noticed, S & J are non transitioners. Granted I have a lot of respect for them. I knew my friendship could only go so far.( J even mention this to me very early on. She was super supportive about it. Telling me I never really belonged there to begin with and that she would welcome the day I moved on with a normal existence.)

C² is super friendly to S & J along with a few other people B knew there, mostly other gay men.

Me on the other hand I feel as if there was a gap between us. At first I couldn't put my finger on it as she was friendly and polite toward me.

What was it?

I think I was being sized up as competition.

Before I was just someone B had mentioned or talked about. Now suddenly here I was in front of her and I have no idea what B told her, but I think I was being viewed straight up as the other woman in our strange little relationship.

She knew B was very good friends with me. She knows I care a lot for B. Yet now she had deal with this living, breathing girl in front of her.

On top of that I am sure my looks didn't help her feel any better about it. (I know I have no ego, nor do I think I am that pretty, but really I can't discount what others say to me. Consider I had a lesbian hit on me earlier in the night at a different bar. For REALS!! I know that opinion exists.)

I can't fault for it either. I learned a long time ago this is why I would get jealous of my male friends when I was younger. When they would meet a girl and start spending more time with them than me.

Those bitches were competition!

I just never understood that feeling fully until much later.

Now I know I joked about the stabbing and crazy jealous rage earlier in the post.

I really have no problem sharing B. Honestly the boy needs more good friends and C² seems to be a solid person even if she has a little be of a wild side to her. Even though I got the feeling of being sized up, and maybe not fully welcome, she never made me feel unwelcome.

Time will tell, but honestly this was the first time I think I was really being viewed as such. At least from another girl in direct responses to my relationship with the same man.

Granted B is a gay man and nothing is going on there. It simply was what I perceived.

So for that night I felt like the other woman.

I am sure we will be fine. B asked me, as we were walking to our cars, what I thought of her and I said I liked her. That She seemed really cool and fun. She obviously thinks highly of B, so as long as she is good to him and a positive influence, I am good with that.

Treat him badly and my claws will probably come out, but I am in no way going to compete with anyone for his attention. I know how he feels about me and I have no worries about our friendship.

Besides I am willing to share.

We shall see.

Now, I would never actually be the other woman. Way too much drama there and frankly I have enough with everything else to generate more needlessly.

So stop thinking I am a tramp y'all!

No Future but That Which We Make for Ourselves.

2011-09-15T10:21:00.006-04:00

"There comes a time in the life of every human when he or she must decide to risk "their life, their fortune, and their sacred honor" on an outcome dubious. Those who fail the challenge are merely overgrown children, can never be anything else." - Stranger in a Strange Land

Viewer's Choice

2011-09-08T22:34:00.000-04:00

I told a friend this little story that happened and she felt I should turn it into a post.

Now I am not sure it deserves a post but I'll try.

You might remember the GNO I recently had with C.

Well there was an interesting little tidbit I left out that happened at the end. Probably the reason I didn't include it as part of the night is it wasn't something that happen while it was just the two of us.

See upon B's arrival home he immediately wanted to head out for a drink.

We both looked at each other and said sure. So off the three of us went.

Now for the sake of time (it was nearly midnight) we stopped in the sports bar not far from B's apartment. Seriously it is a hop, a skip and a jump away. Totally within stumble home distance.

We hoped out of the car, started strolling in and C suddenly looks at me and asks if I am ok going in there, since this was a rather John Q Public straight bar.

I shrugged and said it did not matter to me. We would just find out if it mattered to anyone in there. I also commented that considering our adventures earlier in the evening it should be pretty obvious I am not concerned anymore.

She smiled and said 'ok!'.

She wasn't worried I would get read, I think she was just worried about the clientèle.

In we went.

We strolled up to the bar, Myself and C on either side of B (She cleverly calls him a thorn between two roses! Too cute!) and ordered our first round of drinks. I kept my light as I was going to need to drive home soon. (Smartly followed up by a soda after).

We started talking, I glanced around, didn't notice anything to out of the ordinary. When suddenly there is a dude taking the chair right next to me on the other side from B.

I think at this point we had been there a whole five minutes. If that.

Now when I say dude I really do mean dude. This guy was squat and big. I wouldn't have called him unpleasant to look at but I really didn't find him attractive at all. Certainly not my type.

However, dealing with guys is something I need practice with. I have learned a lot but I thought why not. Lets see what is going to happen.

Quite quickly I learned he was mildly drunk, talked a lot about himself, was a poor conversationalist, and was awful at complimenting a girl.

Ok, sooooo time to ditch him.

Just one problem...I couldn't.

I tried once, twice, three times to let him go.

The last comment I made was "I really don't want to be rude, but I would like to spend time with my friends as I don't get to really see them all that often.'

All the attempts failed.

Now I was stuck. I so needed a life line.

I started looking over at C and B trying to make pleading gestures for some assistance during all this. Finally after I said my last line, AGAIN, I was hitting B on the leg under the bar. He finally got my message and helped bail me out. All he really did was backup my last comment by stating that Mr. Creepy was intruding and that we all wanted to talk. Without his constant interruption.

I mean really I turned my back on him. I told him I wasn't interested, nothing worked.

C told me after he was gone we needed to work on signals when I was in trouble. C knows I have dealt with being hit on rather well in the past so she knew I could handle myself. Obviously though there are going to be moments I am going to need a little help while I learn how to deal with new situations.

The thing that irritated me the most though, was the fact that he almost immediately walked up and took the seat next to me. The bar wasn't particularly crowded the three of us had almost one end of it to ourselves. So the question is why did he pick me? I wasn't dressed up. Simply a tee shirt, jeans shorts and sandals. I knew C was in travel mode and it really was just a casual evening of two friends hanging out chatting. So obviously I was not trying to advertise anything.

The only thing I do wonder is perhaps I was read and for some reason I was easy pickings or at least that was the thought. As if I feel the need to validate myself with a man or something as such.

No I don't, and while I want to be sexually active, I am not interested in dating during these stages of transition.

Simply not going to happen.

B and C both said I was crazy for thinking I was read. They just don't see why anyone would think otherwise.

C did tell me that, while I am a sweet girl, I will occasionally need to get in touch with my inner bitch to ward off the foolish ones.

"Put them in his place a times."

Good advice.

Still I am left to wonder what exactly was driving Mr. Creepy. I'll never no for sure.

In the mean time. Guys, really, I give you credit for trying but when a girl says she wants to talk with her friends and turns away from you...she ISN'T interested.

Thanks for playing.

GNO

2011-09-07T07:13:00.000-04:00

This last Friday I was supposed to spend some time with B.

That never happened.

Something unexpected and better did.

What happened was this. B recently had started a new job. This was actually a really good thing for him. He needed it and the boy is putting great effort into being a good employee. I am already seeing a change in who he is as a result.

The issue was after he finished his training program he is going to be working the afternoon shift. Three-Thirty to Midnight.

At least that is what he thought and I was lead to believe.

Not so fast.

Instead, after being there for a few weeks for the initial part of his training, they switched him to afternoons about two weeks earlier then expected.

Only he found out the Friday before.

I, however, was out of town on business and seeing some friends the weekend before. So it happened he was unable to inform me of this change. Which meant I spent the week being blissfully unaware that he wasn't going to be free Friday evening to hang out.

Until Friday.

As I had this Friday off I sent him a text while I was out running errands to inquire as to what time he wanted my to be at his apartment.

*ring*

"B?"

"Hey babe, how are you? How did the thing go with work yesterday?"

"Really well sweetie, but why are you calling me during the day? Shouldn't you be at work?"

{It is important to note that B was keeping his phone off during the day. He was being that fussy about his new job. It didn't bother me I just knew that he usually wasn't going to answer my text right away or my calls.}

"Ummm...yeah about that. You and I have been so busy I haven't been able to tell you we started the afternoon shift early. All this week I have been working it. So I cannot hang out with you tonight."

{I swear there was a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.}

There were my hopes and dreams crushed, I was going to be spending the night sitting at home ready a book or something when I was really looking forward to getting out of the house.

"So I am on my own tonight then huh? You couldn't have let me know sooner?"

"Well I apologize but you and I have both been very busy. Worse yet C is coming back from Japan tonight and she is staying at my place tonight before we head down to see family over the weekend for the Holidays and I haven't been able to get a hold of her to let her know how to find the key to let her in. As she was gone already before I knew myself."

"Wait a minute, are you telling me C is coming in this afternoon from her trip and staying all by herself at your apartment for six hours before you get home?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Awww I feel bad for her then. Tell her, if you do reach her, that I am not going to be doing anything tonight and if she wants to call me and I would still love to hang out. I'll even drive her around if she wants anything such as dinner or something."

"Really?"

"Yes really, I would hate for her to be alone on this side of town."

"That is really nice of you I will let her know if I can ever reach her while she is enroute."

With that settled we went on to discuss the events at work and some other things before I had to let him go so he could finish his errands before he had to leave for work and I could finish mine.

A few hours later I got a quick text.

"C totally wants to see you and is starving. Call her at around 5 to discuss. XXX-XXX-XXXX, she has your number too."

I then finished my chores and was wrapping up my errands when it was time for me to call C.

"Hello! Kelli?"

"Yes."

"Omg how are you?"

"I am good, you?

"Tired from the flight but starving are you still willing to go to dinner? I am not taking you from anything am I?"

"Of course not. If you didn't want to go out tonight I was probably going to just sit at home reading a book or something. Besides I felt bad B was leaving you there by yourself."

"Lol no big deal but I would love the company. I am still en route to B's and I have a few things to do after I get there. Would 6:30 work for you?"

"Totally! That is perfect, I need to take a shower and change anyways."

"Awesome I will see you then."

Thus after I finished a few thing, cleaned myself up I was at B's apartment at the designated time. Hugs all around, we catch up a bit as she finished wrapped up something for work(she was on a business trip.)

I gave her the scoop on work, which completely shocked her as she wasn't aware that I had not told them. We chatted about that, her trip to Japan(she even brought me back green tea and I love tea's so that was super sweet.) Other things that were going on or happening. After a bit we headed out for dinner.

After a few false starts as I am not that familiar the area B now lives in and she isn't with this entire side of the state we found a wonderful little Italian restaurant with some text help from the Professor, as he used to live on that side of town for a while.

Terrific dinner, enjoyed the conversation talking about so many things, life, B, dating, books we were reading or had read.

She loved getting a nice meal and the feeling of comfort food after all the fair she had in Japan. She didn't mind it as lot of it was interesting and really good, but being a Midwestern girl like me she wasn't used to it for ten straight days.

We finished dinner and heading back to B's place. We pulled out a chick flick, dumped it into a his DVD player. Climbed into his bed(the only DVD player is in there for now) and proceed to talk about everything for the next two hours as we waited for B to come home from work.

There was conversations about her up coming wedding. Some of the things that have happened with her friend Kitten(I mentioned her once here). Work, boys, shopping, clothes, even my issue(C asked some really good questions and had some great comments in return). At the end of it all she was so happy that I am able to do this. It was an amazing evening and I had so much fun talking to her about things in general. We laughed, cried, and just enjoyed the conversation.

Shortly before B came home she told me two things. That we had to do this again sometime soon and I think the best thing I ever heard.

"Kelli, you are amazing. Honestly you are such a girl it isn't funny, I don't know how you possible managed this long. I am glad I met you and I am glad I get to spend time with you. I am also glad you are friends with B, he needs more and you are such a good influence on him. He has grown up a bit since he has started hanging out with you and he needed that. I wish you all the best in the future, you deserve it."

C rocks!!! I told her earlier that I was just happy to have friends like her and B in my life. That they just treat my like me and my issue doesn't bother them along with that fact that because they know they are checking in on me to make sure I am doing ok.

It was a great and amazing night, she confirmed that if she is stuck in town ever again she will get in touch with me so she can have some good company. Even if B isn't avavilbe.

Also earlier in the night she asked me this:

"Hey, if you are around this Halloween a few of my girlfriends of mine from the other side of the state are coming into town for a big Halloween party. I would love it if you could come. Can you? I don't know if B can yet, but it doesn't matter it will just be us girls if that is the case."

Great friends have made this journey easier to bear and C has been one of the best. I cannot wait to hang out with the girls this halloween. (Yes B confirmed that as long as work isn't in the way he would be coming.)

People like C make this world a brigther place and better yet they make my journey a bit easier.

I cannot wait to do it again.

And Now For The Rest of The Story

2011-09-06T09:19:00.000-04:00

As you might know I recently did something rather earth shaking and profound.

I sent my letter to HR. You will also know that I got an email in response to my letter informing of an upcoming meeting to meet my HR rep face to face.

I could hardly wait. /sarcasm

This was to happen last Thursday.

So shortly after lunch I grabbed my notebook and began my trek over to the other building. (I have mentioned in the past that I work in a much smaller secondary building from the rest of the company.)

I can tell you this. My stomach was turning over like crazy. I had no idea what was coming. I had every reason to be hopeful with the email response I got from my rep didn't seem to indicate anything to really worry about.

That doesn't mean I didn't worry. If there is one thing I have learned in all of this is that one can never tell what someones reaction will be. In this case there was a tremendous amount on the line.

Without my job I would be unable to complete my transition. Though there is a chance that I would find work elsewhere you have to consider the current economy would not exactly be in my favor.

Having walked a number of times between these two buildings I can tell you without a doubt this was the longest and most nerve wracking of them all.

I made my way up to the fourth floor and back to the location HR was in. (Now I am not in this building very often so this was actually my first official visit to HR. Everything else has either been done in a conference room in a different location or via phone/email.

Now HR is located in a back corner, I would also imagine they don't get a lot of visitors there. Well I could be wrong it just seemed as I walk up to my reps desk he seemed to know someone was approaching and turned to see who it was.

Which is when he paused. Looked at me for a second, tilted his head and quietly asked:

"{his name}?"

"Yes."

He brighten up at that point and greeted me. Then he directed me to a little conference room they have up in their area. Told me to sit and make myself comfortable while he closed the door and sat down himself.

The first thing he said to me was this:

"I just want to say that in my eleven years of working HR have never encountered this. I do want to say before we go any further I think what you are doing is extremely brave. Second I also want to tell you that was one of the best letters I ever read regarding any situation. You obviously put a lot of thought and effort into it. It also didn't force or demand anything from us. I was really impressed."

So far so good.

"Now before I go into any of my question and ask you if you have any I just want to say HR is fully behind you in this. We want you to be able to do this successfully and we want you to be able to do it without any changes in your position or employment status."

"I can tell you this, you are the first I have ever encountered. So this is all new to me. Also I have talked to the director of HR and it is a first for her too. I do apologize but we are going to be learning a lot about this as we go. I hope you don't mind me using you as a source of information."

Can you day big sigh of relief?

With that we moved into a number of questions about things. Including some of my story on how I got to this point. Things I had to do yet. Time off that might be needed. We established a rough idea of how to go about telling my boss, manager and the rest of my team and the IT department. We talked concerned and issue. Maybe not resolving them but at least getting them out in the open so that everyone will know they are there.

My goal here was to start and open dialog and go from there. I didn't want to tell them how to do it. I want their opinions and hopefully just guide it along with what I feel would be best for me.

I am due to met the HR Director this week and they are going to talk to my boss. Which should follow with my manager.

Lots of back and forth, he stated he was very excite to have the opportunity to work with me to get through this.

I don't know who true all this is, but it does make me feel hopeful that this could go well. We shall see.

Oh and the awkward moment when I first showed up? Well being in HR he pulled up my ID badge, which is a bit out of date to put it mildly. His confusion was he was expecting someone else and I showed up. Let's just say we had a little chuckle about how the two didn't match.

I walked out of there feeling better but still woozy and in some shock that it all happened and it went as well as it did so far.

It is going to be an interesting few weeks as this news filters down to other people.

Even today I can't believe I did it.

Wish me luck!

I Took The Red Pill

2011-08-30T19:51:00.000-04:00

If you have been follow the story of our intrepid heroine up to this point you will know a few things.

One, I had some important things that were on the horizon. I mentioned them here.

Two, One of them specifically was talked about here.

Guess what?

It didn't happen.

HR canceled on me. I got pulled away by some extended time off.

Dealt with an event that left me mentally and physically drained.

Really trying to do this earlier this year and I would have broken down completely. I was a bit of a mess.

This brings us to now.

As in now, now. Not just then.

Recently I have been feeling a gather of energy, if you will. A desire to finally get this over with, good or bad. It just has become time.

After a few weeks of planning and preparation. I did something yesterday that completely tilted my world on edge.

I sent my letter to HR.

YES!

Really!

I kid you not!

Thankfully I had a long distance friend to help me through the last minute stuff, moral support and was online with me when I did it.

Seriously I think I stared at that email with my letter attached for a full five minutes.

The stupid 'send' button was so taunting me.

Finally with a lot of encouragement and closing of my eyes, away it went.

It almost didn't feel like it happened.

Yet it did.

What happened?

Well for a few hours nothing. At all.

No joke.

Finally after what seemed like and eternity. I got an email back.

The news?

Nothing bad at this point I just have a meeting scheduled with him later this week, in person. This came today after I already talked to him yesterday.

It is official I have taken the red pill and I am going to see just how far this rabbit hole goes.

Stay tuned to find out just how this tale will end.

In the mean time is it a brand new world.

Because You Might Like To Know

2011-08-25T08:59:00.002-04:00

Cause I know some of my readers like them. September 20th folks I already have my copy on pre-order.

Ivy - All Hours

Party Crashing

2011-08-23T22:22:00.001-04:00

A few weekends ago I had the pleasure of spending some quality time with B.

Before I continue, since I have had a few people ask, the answer is no.

...

Oh! You want to know what the question is that people were asking.

Well what is the fun in that? Really, I think it would be more fun to leave you hanging.

...

Ok, ok, I'll spill. Sheesh you are a tough crowd.

No, B and I are not an item, nor will we ever date. He is simply an amazing friend who I love to spend time with. I love the boy to pieces but he is more like my older little brother. If that makes any sense. I hope it does because I am not sure I can explain it.

You have read the stories, you know how wonderful and amazing he has been. He is just one of my closest and best friends.

I just wanted to make that clear because this post is about the day he put that to the test.

That got your attention didn't it?

Don't worry we are fine I still think the world of him but I did not appreciate what he did.

It happened the weekend I mentioned a bit here.{link}

I bet you are dying to know what possibly he could have done.

This is what took place. That Saturday night we agreed to go out. This time however he mentioned heading over to a smaller local town that was having an arts and craft fair. This totally sounded like fun and he even mentioned we were going to met up with a few people I knew.

Sounded good so far.

Now this is a somewhat upper middle class town that fancies it self somewhat elite. Well it is a nice little town but I live near what would be call the affluent area and they have a long way to go. Yet it is still a nice place to visit.

The art and craft show was arrange in there 'downtown' area considering this is more of a suburban area this made it rather small. It was still rather nice and was a welcome change of pace for part of the evening.

The interesting part came at the start. After getting there and trying to locate a parking spot, B lead me to a corner restaurant/bar. There we ran into his ex(whom I will label Ex from here on out.)

As I know I have mentioned the Ex was always confused about his sexuality. Kept his straight friends separate from his gay ones. I also find him to be a rather unpleasant person and not the sharpest tool in the shed. My other qualm is that I feel he lead B on for over a year into thinking this was going to be a lasting relationship. Then suddenly breaking up.

The reason?

So Ex could return to dating women.

Yep, I kid you not.

It was ugly, he wasn't nice and frankly as I am sure you all know I didn't really care for him. Well that opinion hasn't changed one bit. In fact he just re-enforced it with this ordeal.

Now I wouldn't say we ran into Ex casually. B knew he was there, I didn't mind too much until I found out why Ex was there. He was on a double date with one of his straight friends with too women.

Can you say awkward?

I took me all of five seconds to figure out what was going on. Ex didn't want to talk with us. He didn't want to introduce us and he was obviously unhappy B was there. I don't know if I was an issue but I didn't really care. The whole situation was uncomfortable and it was plain obvious to me we were intruding.

I was under the impression we were meeting a group of people that included Ex but not this.

I somehow manage to get B to walk the fair with me but he rushed through it(considering it was only three blocks it wasn't very big). We came back and the whole situation was still cold and uncomfortable. After about five minutes of this I informed B I was ready to go. Thankfully he listened.

When we got back to my car I gave him an earful.

"B, you have been a amazing and dear friend, but if you ever put me in a situation like that again I am going to be really pissed at you. That was borderline stalkerish and you need to either come to terms with it or move on. Trans issues aside it was so not cool to drag me into it. Don't ever do that to me again."

He did apologize and we ended up still enjoying the rest of our evening. I did however greatly test our friendship. He can be hung up on it if he wants. I can't fix it for him, all I can do is be a good friend. He just need to not involve me when he does it.

When we spent time with C the next day she totally had my back about the whole thing.

"B, Kelli has enough drama in her life she doesn't need to be a part of that. Especially not knowing what was going on. That is awkward for anyone you brought along. I would have been just as pissed at you had you involved me like that. She has been a tremendous friend to you and she doesn't deserved that."

"Second, you need to deal with your issue with Ex. I don't know why you are hung up on him so much but it needs to be addressed or something bad is going to happen. These things happen in relationship we all need to address them, but I don't want to hear you let something happen to her because you were being foolish. You need to grow up about this."

I love C, she rocks! He did apologize again and we discussed the problem for a bit before moving on.

Is the problem solved? I don't know but I haven't seen Ex since and that is a good thing.

Now was I read in that situation? I have nothing to indicate that I was. In fact one of the women I met seemed to be rather upset that Ex's friend started to give me some attention. Not that I asked for it. At least no one said anything and there wasn't a scene. Regardless I didn't need to be in that situation in the first place. Trans or not.

B and I are fine but it was a moment where he tested me and I just didn't appreciate it. Everyone is entitled to their relationship, ex drama. Just don't take someone along as an unknowing participant.

That isn't fair to that person.

Dinner With The Professor

2011-08-19T07:02:00.001-04:00

I think I mentioned recently that I had dinner with the Professor. Actually this post will cover not only that but the followup conversation we had two days later via internet chat.

We decided on meeting at my house for a little Italian. I had sauce at the ready and brought home some mixed filled baci to serve it with.

Being a teacher he was trying not to go out at as much during the summer and actually I have been trying not do that myself either.

With that he came over, I had dinner just about ready by the time he walked in.

For the most part dinner was polite conversation. General chatting about things. We discussed the book he is writing(he is an English teacher) that I sadly have not had time to catch up on. I have an early manuscript but I don't have time to read like I used to and I am trying to finish one book before I move on. I felt bad but I am anxious to read it as he made changes based on my input. I had read a previous version and suggested a non-linear storyline. Alternating between the characters past and present. Kind of exciting if you think about it.

No idea if I will get mentioned in the forward but hey.

We finished dinner and continued talking, which prompted me to start cleaning up and doing dishes.

At some point during cleaning he stopped me and asked this:

"Why are you so nervous?"

"Excuse me?"

"You have been tense all night. In the past I have watched you open up and...well...change. I was quite surprised about how feminine your behavior really is when you dropped the act. Quite frankly I am a little upset that you seem so uncomfortable right now. I mean I do know and I have still been talking to you."

I was stunned. In my defense I don't think I even realized I was that tense. I had been at work all day. I run with that personality and honestly I was just probably in my usual defensive practiced persona. I am good at it, it is almost second nature. Granted it is slowly slipping away but it is still there.

I then decided to explain to him that he could also be scrutinizing me more than he might have in the past. Simply put since I told him, he is looking at me thinking how could you possible be a girl.

This prompted me to explain to him that I have the opposite issue with my friend B. He has only ever met me as a girl and when I tried to show him the boy he examined me the same way. Thinking along the lines of 'this is the boy? well it ain't working, cause all I see is the girl trying to be something she isn't and frankly looks silly doing so.'

This caught the Professor off guard.

"Wait, you have been out dressed as a girl?"

"Yes."

"How long have you been doing that."

"With any type of effort and regularity? The last couple of years. I had to find out if I could even do it."

He had no idea, and really, I hadn't told him that. When I am dealing with people who know 'him' I try to tread lightly. I don't want to assault their senses with too much information. I just put the issue out there and let them come to me. If they are so inclined.

Not all have.

We dove into that topic a little more and I elaborated on the fact that I dress how ever I feel like. Within reason, but that my sense of style is that of the average girl and I probably look casual most of the time. Though I do quite often look put together even when dressing for everyday. I also told him that if I ever did get read I didn't know it or it that it was a rare occurrence these days as I just don't even see any weird looks or stares.

We talked for about another hour and a half, he asked some great questions. I covered them as best I could explaining some things to him.

Near the end of the night he stopped me.

"Since I called you out earlier for being tense and guarded, you totally relaxed and opened up. Your whole demeanor changed and I am sorry you felt that you still had to be on guard. I know I still have a lot to learn and understand. Do know this, however, you can be you around me I hope you do know that?"

I thanked him, but also explained that there were a number of people I knew that he could be with you yet did not know. Which meant that there might be times when I cannot be that open, even if he was around. Yet that I did hope it wouldn't be an issue for too much longer.

He seemed to really understand my dilemma. Which was further explained to him a few days later via IM.

Overall I give him a lot of credit. He is trying to understand and get to know all of me. I think he was just irritated with me because I had returned to old form even though he knew. I think we are still in that feeling things out stage and trying to get used to each other now that this rather interesting dynamic has been introduced.

Hugs all around as he left and the promise that we will indeed again car pool come this fall. Plus we will be getting together again soon as our schedules allow. He was actually reluctant to go now that we had gotten somewhere but he did have a family to get home too.

This will be an interesting one to deal with as things are reviled to him but I can say he has been nothing short of tremendous in his support of me in all this.

Those kind of friends are indeed precious and hard to find.

I do hope it can last through all this.

Music To My Ears

2011-08-15T12:25:00.000-04:00

Because I am always listening to new music and I love to share.

So deal ok!

Besides even thought this might have started out as a transition blog, and it still is, allowing yourself to talk about things that are or have always been a part of you, yet you were afraid too.

Not many of my friends growing up were big into talking about music or they totally listened to different things then I did.

Thus I love the fact I can bore you all to tears with it here.

It's my blog remember? Good, don't cha forget that. Kay. ;)

Lol! Maybe I should get to the point of this blog. There was a point, I think.

The Glitch Mob - Drink The Sea

I actually forget where I first heard The Glitch Mob. I think it was the soundtrack for a youtube video. It was the background song track for something. All I know was after watching it for a moment I was thinking to myself "Self, what is this music we are hearing?" Self was confused as much as I was, thus began the quest to track it down. When I found out it was the Mob I discovered they actually had an album. This record is brilliant. Crazy, unique, diverse yet still a fully electronic record. I don't think they will be for everyone but I love to sit and read to this one. I have a feeling when I finally get a chance to work on some art again it will be heavily in the rotation of that play list.

Dum Dum Girls - I Will Be

Dum Dum Girls - He Gets Me High

I am listing the EP and the full album. Strangely enough I heard the EP first even thought it was released after the album. Really I just select both and let my player go. Again a girl group who will sing about everything and obviously enjoy doing it. I also love the gritty style. There is another album do out later this year. Oh yeah you know I am getting it.

Pendulum - Immersion

What a fantastic trip this one is. It seems like it covers or samples a few genres while never really straying from it's electronic roots. A few of the later tracks have been remixed by some house DJs to varying success. Yet I still love the originals. The coolest part is while electronic they definitely do their own thing. Simply an amazing listen.

Android Lust - The Dividing

Do we have to be happy all the time? I don't know and while I am not a big Goth music person I have recently discovered Android Lust. A casual Nine Inch Nails fan in the past. This album seems to take it one, no two steps further. Emotional, dark, intelligent, dirty, gritty, and dare I say touch evil, all at once. Android Lust is the work of one woman on her own and doing it her way without any apologies. I defiantly plan on digging into more of her work.

Tegan and Sara - So Jealous

I simply cannot say enough about this album. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!! Backwards, forwards, sideways, diagonal, upside down, tilted, under water, in the dark with a flashlight, outside, inside, downstairs, under the covers. I think you get the idea. I had heard a few of their songs on various stations now and again. Once I finally went looking for them I found this album. Simply perfect I have been listening to it since the beginning of the year. It has been in my car's CD player all summer(since April I think?). I haven't taken it out yet. I soooooo highly recommend it. Did I mention I love it? This album quite quickly has become one of my absolute favorites. So I suggest you don't walk but run, drive, high speed train whatever down to your local record store(do they still exist?), but get yourself an actual hard copy. It is simply that good.

I never know what people thing of these post but if it introduces you to some new music then it has done it's job and is too cool when you think about it.

Also don't worry I have several posts I need to get out. Life has been adventuresome to say the least and as I said I have been crazy busy to find the time to write.

TTFN!

Because I haven't Had Time To Stand Still Let Alone Write a Blog Post

2011-08-11T15:41:00.000-04:00

I know and if this post stays short enough the title might be longer than the post itself.

Now with that concern taken care of.

Super busy right now as I have mentioned. Spent time with B this last weekend and was even pleasantly surprised by and appearance from C.

And I do mean surprised! As in she jumped out of his apartment when I was half way down the hall, to say boo!

She even told the two of us later that she wished the three of us could hang out more, but seeing as how she lives on the other side of the state, it makes things difficult.

Though the truly touching part was when we somehow got on the subject of family and the holidays. She was shocked to find out my situation with my parents would affect attending some family functions. Though I do have plans simmering to potentially visiting friends out of state she still told me this:

"Well if those don't happen by all means you are more then welcome to come with B to my house for Thanksgiving, since I always host it. You are even welcome to stay the weekend."

Can you be shocked, touched and floored simultaneously?

Because I believe I was.

C didn't have to say that but she did. I simply love those two. :D

Had the Professor over for dinner this week. With some very interesting conversations during it. All is well and he is still as supportive as ever.

I have another disclosure scheduled for this weekend. An old friend I might have mentioned here. Just someone I need to get around too. No idea how this one will go.

With that I disappear again, hopefully time will be on my side soon and I can write about some of what has been happening. This is a blog, it is kind of the point to talk about daily life and events. Even if they are a bit mundane.

Right?

Letting Go

2011-08-03T10:39:00.000-04:00

One of the hardest things I have face during transition is letting go of things I enjoy doing.

Not because I could not do them or feel they would be something I shouldn't do. Usually these are social events.

No, mostly it is because that something was established as him. Which considering all the changes has become awkward when I have to make an appearance.

So generally I decline.

Yet when something that comes around like this weekend it is affecting me more then I can imagine.

For the last eight years have been attending a summer BBQ and cookout that was sponsored by a technology website I was an early member of. When a large group of us realized we were in the same state we decided to get together and meet face to face.

The interesting part was that this was a group of geeks and computer techs so that first year it became quite obvious rather quickly no one knew how to cook.

Well at least no one else.

I realized that if I was going to even attend this I was going to have to do the cooking.

Which didn't bother me actually as entertaining and cooking for others is something that I love to do. It just came natural.

The really fun part for me over the years was the increased challenges to what I was cooking. Early on since I had no idea how this was going to turn out, I kept it to hamburgers and hot dogs.

Granted I hand make and pre-season my hamburger patties. Plus I know some local meat shops that produce amazing sausages, brats and hot dogs.

We had twenty people show up that year and everyone enjoyed the food.

The following year we doubled our numbers.

Third year I brought something new to the table. Literally.

Baby back BBQ ribs. This is a family recipe that, up to that point few had ever tasted. Though that first years I could only prepare a limited number they were a huge hit. In fact they requested I make them from then on.

Not to toot my own horn but they are really good. People always want the recipe when they try them for the first time.

However we were growing in size. People were starting to come in from surrounding states and even as far away as Texas, California, and New York. The backyard that was hosting it was getting to small and I was going to have to make a lot more ribs.

One of the attendees stepped up to solve the hosting issues as his family had lake front property on the other side of the state we could use. Plus he came through for me renting a grill large enough for me to attempt eighteen slabs of ribs at once.

They do take six hours to cook so it is not like I can do them in multiple batches.

And I managed to do it then and for the next four years.

However things changed.

Last year was awkward for me. Since I only see these people once a year and I was changing rather dramatically at this point my appearance was confusing most of them.

As they were standing five feet from me asking were I was or should I say him. Even though I was right there. In front of them and they were looking right at me. I really kept to myself mostly and avoided the camera if at all possible.

This year seeing as how I can't even fool anyone I am could be a boy, but not feeling finished with my transition, I emailed the host and politely declined my invitation this year. Without the why.

Needless to say when the announcement was made the website message boards went crazy. Though nothing bad was said it was obvious I was going to be missed but people were nice in saying not to worry about it take care of me first and they would see me soon.

I have a lot to do still, I have bigger things happening right now as I expected. I was good with it. Plus it is a family event now and I simply didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable with my presence.

I was at peace with my decision and thought I would talk to the organizer and tell him what was up to see if I could attend next year. I would be understanding if I couldn't, but at least I would be living full time by then and either they could accept it or not. I wouldn't try to be there awkwardly in between.

For the last six months it hasn't bugged me one bit.

Until now.

The event is this Saturday. It is turning out to be bigger then ever as we have corporate reps coming out along with the site owners who's site we all discovered each other.

Up to this point I know I have had to let some things go from that previous life. Either I am physically unable to do them or it just isn't safe.

Yet now as I see this event rapidly approaching I am struggling with my non attendance.

I think I know why.

It might have been something I started off doing as him, but this type of event is me. I am giving up something I not only can do but I love to do. Something like this is who I am and very much a part of me. There might be things that I did as him because I could and was willing to try. Now that he is fading giving them up wasn't a huge issue since the weren't things that were really ever me.

This isn't one of them. This was something that was all me, deep down inside, cooking and entertaining is second nature to me. Even though I can still do this my presence as me is going to be tricky. I still will not be able to do it this year even if I wanted to but that doesn't mean I don't miss it.

I do.

A lot.

I just hope one day I can either return or that I can surround myself with other people that I can do this for. It was a unique bunch, but they were a good group. I was amazed from the first one until now just how well they always turned out. I just don't know how they will handle this news and now isn't the time to talk to them about it.

There is always next year.

For now I need to let it go.

Did you hear the one about...

2011-07-26T10:42:00.003-04:00

B called me this last Friday evening and asked me what I was doing Saturday.

I replied by telling him that I was going to an art fair in the morning and afternoon with some friends after that I had nothing.

So he asked me if I wanted to go out after I got home.

It took me a whole half a second to make up my mind on this.

"Sure!"

After this I discussed what my plans were and that I would call him when I got home, which should have coincided with when he would be getting home.

Plans set, we chatted a bit more and called it a night.

Saturday morning came around and while I was on my way to the aforementioned art fair. When B called to inform me that his day had been canceled at work as the other crews were not going to be there.

He simple told me to call him when I was on my way home so he knew when I would be getting back into town as he was going to be running errands all day. Plus he knew I had a forty-five minute drive to get home from the fair.

So after an afternoon of strolling around almost a mile of arts and craft displays. Making a few purchases, regretting not being able to take advantage of a few more and consuming four bottles of water in the crazy heat the area is suffering right now, I stopped for an early dinner then headed home.

I contacted B on the way and knew I was going to be getting home later then I attended but I would still have time to get ready and have plenty of time for a night out.

I wasn't getting home that late but I was going to need to shower the grim and sweat of the day away and change.

He was ok with it and I was in total scramble mode after I got home to shower, re-dry my hair change and prep to get out of the house as quickly as possible. Off I went.

I met him up at the first of three locations for the night and quickly we caught up. He asked me about the fair and my day.

Now this is a huge art fair for this region, one of the oldest and biggest. I had not been in a few years due to schedule and what not. I simply wasn't going to miss it this year.

After talking about it for a bit B looked at me and said:

"Well how come I didn't get an invite, I love art fairs?"

"Really? Well one you didn't tell me that until just now. Second I told you I was with some friends and it would have been awkward."

"Oh so now you are embarrassed to have me as a friend?"

I grabbed his forearm.

"B if you think that for even a second we are going to have issues. You are one of the best friends I have ever had. I love you dearly, and I am very proud to call you my friend. I have would have no issue with introducing you to any friends I might have. The issue is that you only know me, even when I tried to show you otherwise you still only can see me. Two of the people I was with haven't been told. It just would have created a lot of awkwardness for me. It has nothing to do with you."

I paused.

"The day will come he will be gone and I will gladly include you in any thing I do with any of my friends, if they are still around. If they have issues with you they will have to take it up with me. Besides if it came down to choosing you or them, if there even was an issue, I'd take you. You are a better friend to me then some I have known well over fifteen years or more."

One more pause.

"Now that I know you want to go, I promise to take you next year. It really is something to see."

He leaned over gave me a small hug.

"It's ok Kelli I get it and thank you for being such a good friend. C even told me after you left the other weekend to make sure I don't take you for granted as she loves me and really thinks highly of you. She said you were one of the better friends I have ever had and that I definitely need to keep you around."

With that we proceeded to have tons of fun the rest of the evening. We hit three bars, laughed about the parking attendant at one that was trying desperately to get my phone number. We encountered a group bus at a couple of the locations and had fun watching them.

The best part of the night though occurred when we got back to our starting location(as my car was there and he did the in between driving.)

We ran into a friend of his that he had not seen in a few months, and I have never met before, as their paths just were not crossing. With M, was E and Miguel. (hey he had a very Latino name and was visiting from California, so it fits. If I could come up with something clever for M and E I will.)

Now as we walked in I needed to use the little girls room. I mentioned this to B and told him I would find him inside, as the bathrooms are located right near the front. After taking care of that business I headed into the bar proper to find B.

I spotted him, walked up, wrapped my arms around him from behind and asked him who his friends were, as I peered over his shoulder.

Before he or I said anything else I heard: "OMG!!! This is your friend Kelli?"

As I pulled myself away B responded that I was. Which the response came: "Wow how did you manage to met this one, she's hot?"

B looked at me and asked if I wanted to tell the story. I said sure and regaled them with the crazy night I met B and his friend R. How cute and charming and they were and the mild stunt they pulled on me. (It is kind of saucy and mildly embarrassing but it was good natured and G rated. I won't tell it here but I do tell it in person. Think of it as my version of a 'This one time at band camp' story.)

They laughed when I finished and asked where this happened. I explained to them I was at another bar I used to go to on Saturday nights. Which as I have mentioned before is trans night.

E stopped me at this point, looked at me and asked if he could ask me a question. I confirmed that he could and he said.

"So why were YOU there?"

The confusion in his voice was so obvious I was taken aback and hesitated for a moment. As I didn't quite know what to say. B saved me.

"You know R and I thought the same thing when we first met her, what was a girl like her doing there. As it turns out she had a trans friend who used to go. She was there being supportive."

Clever response and they accepted it. They asked why I hang out with B and I said he is was just a really good friend and that we both just feel comfortable with each other. Also I only judge people on who they are not what. Plus he is cute, funny and just such a good person to hang out with. I also explained he only takes me to the tamer clubs that are pretty safe.

Still it was an interesting moment as they just could not fathom why I would even have been there to begin with to met B.

After that it was lots of fun. M and E are amazing and adorable. They have this shared moment deep conversation bit where no one actually says a word. It was utterly brilliant, I could not do it justice here you really would need to see it. I loved talking to both of them for the rest of the evening.

E even stated at one point that B needed to bring me around more often as I was totally adorable and lots of fun.

Hugs all around as we eventually had to part ways for the night. I was exhausted and so was B. We did promise to seem them again and soon.

B walked my to my car gave me a big hug and then told me. "You better get this over with soon. Look at what happened here tonight. They didn't even pause to consider you are trans. You are totally a girl to them and nothing else. Frankly he isn't there anymore."

"I know B. I am working on some big pieces of it right now so things should start moving soon."

"Good cause this version of you, really is you and I much prefer you."

Another big hug and we said goodnight.

It is indeed time to get this over with.

Fingers crossed it goes as well as everything else has.

Nothing to See Here, Move Along

2011-07-22T16:05:00.000-04:00

I am aware it has been kind of quiet here lately.

I think even the tumbleweeds have moved on to more exciting venues.

I just haven't had much to say recently.

No the typewriter monkeys are fine. We are all getting along just splendidly right now. It might be because they are being far overpaid under the new collective bargaining agreement. (Really you tell me if I should be giving them daily banana smoothies??)

Nope there just hasn't been any good or full stories to tell.

At least not yet.

I do have some things coming up in the immediate future that I am sure will generate some posts. For now it is hard to write about them because they haven't happened yet.

I also have an interesting trip planned next month that I am sure will need to be talked about.

For now it is quiet.

It is almost like there is a big collective pause as I wait for things to happen or wait for others.

Still, in the mean time, I am here and doing fairly well.

I am sure things will start happening again and soon.

Notes from the Weekend

2011-07-11T11:15:00.002-04:00

Helping B move into his new apartment on Friday. I swear that boy might have more clothes than I do. (ok, not really but I certainly made enough trips back and forth with bundles of them.)

Finally meeting two of B's friends that I had missed on countless occasions. These two were a lot of fun and total charmers.

Spending more time helping B unpack some of his boxes on Saturday. Friday was used mostly to get the last of this things moved over. (we made the boys do the heavy lifting of the couch and bed frame.)

I also promised to help him paint two of his walls. I know I am such a good friend. lol!

Catching up with C!!!! She was driving back from visiting family in a neighboring state while on vacation, so she made a pit stop Saturday afternoon to see B's new place and spend the night so she could break up the drive home.

Totally getting the thumbs up from her about the changes. She asked me to give her the details of what was done but before I even did so she noticed my chin, forehead and eyes. (I mentioned B told me I didn't look that different. C said 'Well he is a boy what do you expect? You definately look softer and cuter! I love it!")

Having a new story to tell about creepy guy at the bar who was hitting rather heavily on C and myself. Did I mention this was a gay bar? We are all still confused about that one.

Getting a high five from C because of my sweetly worded retort to creepy guy for being so over bearing by not letting anyone else talk. (she totally said she was going to have to remember my response.)

The three of us laughing so hard in the car at one point we were in tears. Why will remain between us but I couldn't even put the car in drive for five minutes.

French Fries @ 1am. I am such a baaaaaad girl!

Having a mock disagreement with C since it turns out we are both envious of each others figure. (Which is strange when you think about it as she is only about a half inch short then I am and just a little lighter, but she complains about her hips, and me my shoulders, yet we both told each other we were crazy for thinking so. We had a good laugh about it after.)

Staying out far later than I should have but not complaining one bit.

Having so much fun with two people who view me just as I am even though they know. C mention that since she first met me and until now she can't think of me as anything else. "Besides" she said. "You are smart, pretty, and fun to be around."

Now I just need to catch up on some sleep, whew!

Material Girl

2011-07-07T14:28:00.002-04:00

A few years ago I met and befriended a seamstress.

For almost a year and a half she worked on various articles of clothing and did a few alterations for me.

However early last year we lost touch. She had to close her shop (thankfully she is still doing work out of her home.) and I got busy getting my transition going.

Not to mention I was working my cute little butt off at the end of last year.

(I don't care, I am going to say it is cute. Not that I get back there very often to look at it, but I get a lot of compliments on it so it must be. Even B has commented that I have a fantastic behind and still marvels that it is naturally mine.)

So sadly for a while I didn't see or talk to her much though we did play email or phone tag from time to time.

A few weeks ago I emailed her to see if she was still out there and doing seamstress work. She replied that she was and did. After a few back and forth exchanges, plus accounting for the holiday, we agreed to meet last night.

After I got home from work, ate, changed into just a tee some shorts and sandals. Unglued my hair, blew it out a bit and that was it. No makeup or anything else.

I pulled some things out of my closet that were not fitting right, though I could not find one dress that I thought I had set aside. I may have boxed it up.

Out the door I went.

Twenty minutes later I was at her door ringing her door bell.

Now remember, it has been about nineteen months since we last saw each other.

She opened the inside door and paused. I mean really paused. Then she said wow. After another moment things caught up to her and she jumped and opened the door.

She told me to 'come on in' took another moment then said this:

"Wow have you changed!"

"LOL! Good or bad?"

"Oh definitely good!"

With that she invited me downstairs to her work room. Where she sat me down and told me to spill.

I talked about what I had done since I last saw her. Noting that I continued to let my hair grow and that I had a little surgery earlier in the year. She asked me what and I explained what I had done. When I mentioned the forehead and hair line she told me it was the first thing she noticed(Finally, people often miss this but my forehead and hairline are far different then they were. I know I have seen the pictures.) and that she loved my hair.

We laughed and talked, I discussed the situation with my family. Mom is supportive, my brother is on the fence and my father refuses to see or talk to me. I told her what was up next and answered her questions regarding those things.

It was at she looked at me and said.

"Well Kelli, my honest opinion, you are a very attractive woman. You've come a long way and I can't wait to see you after the rest. You really have changed. Remembering you from before and see you here now relaxed and more yourself just tells me how right it is for you."

I smiled and told her thank you when she followed with this:

"You know I was thinking to myself before you got here 'how was he going to show up?'" (At this point I gave her a small look and she quickly amended herself) "Lol SHE! How was she going to show up." She looked at me one more time and said:

"Yep I am done calling you by that other name. I am just going to refer to you as Kelli now."

With that we went over the items I brought for alteration and started the process for a dress I saw once but is no longer available. Armed with a few pictures and ideas she is going to draw up the pattern tell me how much material and then I start hunting that down. Though she did give me a few really good places to go look and even one high end sewing store, where if I find something I like but not the right color to ask and see if they can order it. From there we get the material and she will make it.

After that and chatting for a bit we made our way upstairs. Where we discussing up and coming things along with asking me if I ever would consider being a model.

{I should point out that while being a very talented seamstress and was currently working on a wedding gown, her specialty is custom made corsets or dresses with corsets in them. While downstairs she showed me photos of a resent renaissance show she participated in with these beautiful period styled dresses with modern twists. Usually being the fabric and trim.}

I was totally flattered and said I would consider it. She got excited because she had some things that she needed a slightly taller girl for and with my figure I would look great in them. I laughed her off since I am only five foot seven. She shrugged me off and said that was perfect as I was a little above average without being really tall.

When we got outside she gave me a big huge and told me this:

"Kelli working on some of the things that I do, I meet all types of people. I just want to say again you are the first trans person I have ever met who, to me, really was a woman. You are going to do great! I love this version of you so much better than the other one."

Always unprompted, it is so nice to hear things like this. Even better it came from someone who me before a lot of changed happened.

She then gave me another big hug and sent me on my way.

With that I went home with a big smile for the rest of the night.

Happy Fourth!

2011-07-04T00:01:00.002-04:00

Center of the Universe

2011-06-29T10:38:00.002-04:00

I am starting to wonder if B is conducting social experiments with me.

Just a thought mind you. He has, as mentioned in the past, been very supportive and good at challenging me to face my fears and work forward.

Case in point this last Saturday.

After playing phone tag all afternoon we decided to get together for the evening.

The issue was we didn't know where we were meeting yet. As I was on my way to get an early dinner and he was still at his moms. So I told him that I would eat, go home feed the dogs and start getting ready and that I would call him when I was close to being ready to going out.

Shush you, I don't take that long, in fact between a quick bite to eat, feeding the dogs, changing, I was calling him an hour and fifteen later almost ready to go.

At this point he informed me that we would be meeting at his ex's new apartment.

Ugh.

Now as you might recall I am not a fan of B's ex. Quite frankly I think he is an asshole. I know strong language from me but honestly I cannot stand him. I think he has used and taken advantage of B. It isn't often I don't like people or at least tolerate them, but this man is just what I said he is. There have been numerous occasions I have wanted to tell him off, slap him or worse. You really have to be extraordinarily irritating or such to get me that upset.

Really!

I always try to not to judge people and generally give them the benefit of doubt when meeting them. I have met some great people that way. In all shapes and sizes. Even if the person isn't what I would call interesting or engaging I usually am still polite and friendly toward them. It takes a special type of person to get on my nerves almost immediately and continue to stay that way.

They were still living together but that will end in just two weeks. Can't happen fast enough if you ask me.

However B just wanted to see how bad of an apartment it was. I also knew we weren't staying long so I was just going to grin and bear it for a short bit.

Now I quickly finished getting myself together, grabbed my things and was out the door twenty minutes later.

I feel it is important to note that B and I were intending to do a little bar hopping and that I was dressed simply but for that. Which meant a nice pair of jeans a striped top and heels.

The intriguing part is I was wearing white.

I totally have a love hate relationship with white. I love the color, I love how it looks on me, and I love to wear it. However I hate how it is inevitable that I get something on it ruining the item. No matter how careful I try to be.

Grrr.

So I don't wear it often.

Yet here I was in white jeans. So I said a little prayer as I went out the door.

Halfway there B calls me to let me know that he is there and they his ex has a few friends over. I ask him if I should be worried and he says no, I'll be fine, but if I was uncomfortable with the idea we could skip it.

I told him that I would be ok with it and I knew we were not staying long so I wasn't totally panicked.

I've had this attitude at times lately that I shrug my shoulders and say 'what the heck' as it is one way to find out what the world thinks.

{Editor's note: I should explain here that in the past I never had a problem of meeting new people but I was always very shy and quiet as I was introduced. I gave my polite greetings and then sat back and tried to gauge the conversation. However it would take a long time for me to feel any type of comfort and I was usually always considered quiet even thought I really wasn't or at least didn't want to be.

Thus is the issue when you are not being yourself. You aren't the life of the party or command a room. Fear of saying the wrong things to new people caused me to just not say much.}

B greeted me at my car when I got there to walk me in and promptly said as I got out of the car that I needed to wear white more often. I laughed at him because I had previously told him about my issues with white.

His response: "Lol whatever you make those jeans look good."

As we walked in B informed me that there were three guys in there but they were harmless. I assumed this meant that they were his ex's gay friends.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

I was not expecting what happened. I did handle it well, but from the moment I walked into the room I was the center of their universe. For once in my life I didn't have to figure out how to start the conversation with someone it just happened.

Because they were three straight men who suddenly had an attractive woman in the room.

And was I ever the center of attention. The entire time I was there I was chatted with. Even when B and I moved out onto the porch they followed a few short minutes later.

I just smiled, talked a bit about myself, was a little witty, laughed, and surprised them a bit with my intelligence. The nifty part is the conversation just rolled off my tongue and I felt natural and relaxed. I didn't worry about what I was saying I was simply just me.

B and I made our getaway after about forty-five or so minutes. I don't think my foot had hit the ground as I was getting out at our first destination when B was right there already laughing about it.

"OMG! They were all over you! They couldn't take their eyes off of you!"

"I know B."

He was right. Even though at times I was standing a few paces away from B, if he asked them a question they were still staring at me, while answering him!

He even told me that when he went in to use the bathroom, one of the guys had already gone in to get another drink, stopped B and started playing twenty questions with him about me.

Was I single? How did I know B? Was I looking to date? Etc.

"Kelli he thought you were the hottest thing ever. In fact he was trying to talk himself into going gay bar hopping with us because you would be there and he is straight!"

The whole scene was rather funny. They all found it odd I was going bar hoping with B. I simply explained it that I get bothered less at a gay bar and that I wasn't looking to meet anyone. I just wanted to have fun. B being single and such a good friend I didn't mind. Most of the place B takes me to are fairly tame. Besides they play good music and I always meet some interesting people.

I am just glad that I was able to be myself, my own hair, my voice, my clothes, my face, and most importantly my full personality and was so well received. I was never uncomfortable once.

I was so at ease with myself in that moment.

The whole night was great, I always have fun with B, but that little adventure starting off the night was just interesting and surreal. I thoroughly enjoyed not having to think about how to be and just was.

And the absolute best part of the whole night?

I made it through the entire night without ever getting anything on my white jeans!

Woo-hoo!!

Who Am I?

2011-06-23T10:33:00.004-04:00

I see so much written or said about being trans.

Different labels tossed about trying to define people. Placing stickers on them saying you are this but not this. Arguments about who is and who isn't.

I hate it.

However I can't change it, no more than I can change the direction of a tidal wave.

You can try to apply a label to me if you like.

Whatever.

I won't care or accept it. It is simply the other party trying to define me in their neat little boxes.

I don't care if I lived a man for a period of my life.

You weren't there being scolded for doing things that were girlish. You weren't there when I was teased mercilessly by my peers for being different. You didn't witness my older brother beating up someone who was different. You weren't subject to the hate and discrimination of others for being themselves by the people who are supposed to be my family or friends.

You didn't sit through therapy sessions with different therapist and said nothing.

Not. One. Word.

I was that afraid of who I was would cause me to be hurt simply because I was.

Thus I retreated.

And I didn't always know what it was myself.

Answers were also difficult to come by.

I remember trying to find anything I could regarding who I was and how I felt.

However I found nothing.

I felt like I was chasing a ghost. Only that ghost was me.

Deep inside I had the answers but I always felt like they were out of reach. Or worst yet I kept them out of reach.

Usually because when I tried to explore them they backfired badly.

I struggled with so many things in my life simply because I never had a sense of self. Of truly feeling like I knew who I was.

Of really knowing me.

In a discussion I had with someone recently who is a lesbian, she told me she did some of the exact same things. That she lived how others expected her too. Based on the environment she grew up in and just like me not knowing or understanding who she was and that there were others who felt the same way she did.

It took her time to get there.

I was told even though we are similar we all get to this point, we discover ourselves differently. Some sooner then others. Through different routes and challenges, but once we finally understand and accept ourselves, we are who we are. It doesn't make us anything less.

I took a difficult route to get here and I am not even done with everything yet.

Yes I know there is terminology out there. There has to be. How do you attempt to explain it to someone else without words to describe it. More importantly how do you explain it to yourself without it. Yet that doesn't mean that all of it applicable.

So try to define me, try to apply labels to me. Try to tell me who I am. I don't care and I am not listening because I spent too many years caring about what others thought. Changing myself based on their reactions and opinions and only made myself more and more miserable by doing so.

I have cried too many tears. I have suffered too many sleepless nights. I have faced to much hatred and insults to deal with any more.

At the end of the day I love the person I am finally becoming. I look forward to a life that can finally be mine. All because I now know who I am.

Do you?

And Now For Something Completely Different

2011-06-15T08:42:00.004-04:00

While out and about this weekend I encountered something new.

Now I am not entirely surprised by it happening but it was something that you just don't expect.

Let me explain.

This last weekend I was out and about running errand.

Now as you might know transition has been delayed for a period of time. Thus I was out pretending to be a boy.

The crazy part is no one was mistaken me for one. But you knew this, right?

Regardless, I stopped at one store to get a part that I needed. Paid and left.

No bid deal.

Well upon getting home I realized I had the wrong item. Ok, then back to the store I go.

I get there and got a different clerk. From the moment I started talking to him, he was completely ma'aming me.

During the course of our conversation we discover that the item I do need, isn't in stock, and they will have to special order it.

"Would you like to do that?"

"Sure I do need it."

"Ok, I'll need your drivers license to place the order."

Oh dear.

It is times like these I feel embarrassed, not for me necessarily but for the other person I am dealing with.

Let's just say these have been some awkward moments in the past.

I produce my license, hand it over and he looks at it, doesn't blink, and starts typing.

"This is the current address?"

"Yes."

"And this is for {Insert his name} ." (I really should find a nickname for him so it makes better sense as to who I am referring too.)

"Yes."

"Phone number?"

"XXX-XXX-XXXX."

"Ok, you are all set, we should have it in by Thursday and we will call when it is here. Let me get you receipts so you can take care of this at the register."

(The item I needed cost more then the one I got. Not much but I had to cover the difference.)

At this point he gets two bar coded receipts for the register, turns to the clerk next to him and says:

"I need you to ring this up for her. She is returning this one, but has to cover the amount for the correct item. Scan this one for the return and credit, then this one for the difference she owes. (Turning back to me.) You are all set ma'am have a nice day."

"..."

This was a first. Usually I get questioned, confused looks or a "Is this you comment?" Along with some general flustered looks once they look at my ID.

I mean they just realized the person they were talking to isn't the woman or girl they thought I was.

Yet this person didn't even flinch, look up or anything. I don't know for sure but I was a bit surprised by the non-reaction.

It is a very strange feeling when you find out that no one can place the person you were with who you are now. Even when you are deliberately trying to be that person.

I think it is almost time to say goodbye to him.

Snap, Crackle, and POP!

2011-06-07T06:34:00.006-04:00

As I recover from surgery I have experienced any number of odd sensations.

From an almost immobile jaw to just a numb one. I still have a little left right in the front of my chin and just underneath, but it is fading fast.

There is still just a little tenderness in my nose but I don't notice it too much unless I bump it and even then it doesn't hurt too much.

Everything else is gone.

But...

...You knew there was a but there didn't you?...

...The outstanding thing has been the top of my head. Mostly this was due to the fact that I simply didn't feel much of it. So it wasn't much of a bother.

That has all changed,

Or at least starting to change.

Now I should explain that I have heard it will take anywhere from six months to a year and a half for feeling to return. Yet I was to look for or experience sensations at some point. Things like itches I can't scratch, pokes or twinges of feeling, etc.

Let me tell you this. The last few days has been nothing short of interesting. Nothing painful mind you, but I have had mildly tingling sensations, fairly constant, at or near the incision. The really fun part are the large crackles of feeling that erupt over the entire top of my head. I would say it is like pop rocks candy fizzing, popping and crackling right under the surface of your skin.

You just pause for a moment while the fireworks happen and then just move along with what you were doing.

I would compare it to a brain freeze moment, you know where you eat or drink something a little to fast and you get that rush of feeling up the back of your neck. Only this is across the top of your head. It is quick, virtually painless but interesting and freaky none the less.

Though as mentioned it is a different sensation you just need a moment to let if fade.

Craziness, yet I can't help that this has to be good sign of healing and only 14 weeks out.

All good news as I am currently trying to get the second part setup and scheduled for later this year. Feelings like this usually mean the blood flow is returning well to the area in question and this is super important for moving some hair follicles around later this year.

In the mean time there is nothing like you own personal fireworks show at any given time to keep you on your toes.

Public Service Announcement

2011-06-05T21:36:00.001-04:00

Some of you who read my blog might also be readers of a blog by my very good friend Laura who writes The World According to Laura.

Well recently she has had to make her blog private and while she tried to send out invites to everyone. She isn't sure everyone got them.

So she has ask me to tell you, dear readers, if you still want to follow her and read about the things that are going on with her to send her an email at laurab323@hotmail.com. Just in case you didn't get an invite. Once you do that she will make sure you get added.

Let her know you still care. :D

Thank you.

That concludes this public service announcement we will be returning to our regularly schedule programming shortly.

C is for Cookie

2011-06-03T06:28:00.002-04:00

I've run into a problem.

With my rediscovered ability to eat, I find myself eating things I probably shouldn't.

Or at least I shouldn't eat as much of them as I am.

It really is a case of OMG NOMS!!!

Followed by a lot of...

OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

I get going on something and I just can't seem to stop myself. I want to keep eating because...well...I like food and having had it taken away from me for a while I feel I kind want to make up for lost time.

I would compare it to a long distance relationship. Kind of an absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Only with food.

However I have discovered recently that I have put some weight on.

*GASP*

It doesn't help that I haven't been exercising at my usual levels.

Fortunately I am not packing on the pounds. More accurately I am a little above my ideal weight.

I have been getting back into the routine again. Diligently hitting the treadmill and taking the puppies for walks when I can.

I just need to regain control of my desire to eat and realize something while I am in the throws of a feeding frenzy.

STOP!!!

Yes it really is that simple. I need to remind myself that even though it is nice to eat real things again, I didn't work so hard to loose all that extra weight for no reason.

Remember I don't subscribe to the theory that I have to weight a certain amount for my height.

If that was the case I would have tried to keep loosing weight after surgery. Yet at my lowest I felt skinny and unhealthy. Loosing more would have been a bad thing.

There is just a number that works for me and that is it. I am happy to stay there.

In the meantime please keep the baked goods to yourself.

Today's Fortune

2011-06-02T15:50:00.001-04:00

From the cookie I had at a group lunch today.

"The best times of your life have not yet been lived."

Delays Expected

2011-05-31T15:30:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it just doesn't always happen they way you want.

My original plan was to try and reach full time this June.

As in tomorrow.

Well maybe not tomorrow exactly but June 2011 was my rough target.

At least it seemed possible 18 to 20 months ago when I was trying to figure out when.

I always tried to tempter my expectations that I might not get everything done to meet that deadline.

Thought I fully intended to try. At worst if I needed a couple of weeks or months to wrap things up that would be fine.

Unfortunately I have not accomplished everything I needed to. I have done quite a lot but full time just isn't going to officially happen yet.

Sadly there are some major changes and personal things I need to take care of. I couldn't plan for them since I was unsure if they would actually need to be dealt with or not. While I cannot go into detail they are significant and will delay the future for me.

How long?

I do not know. I am currently hoping to have this wrapped up before years end and I can move forward with my life.

While I cannot talk about the details I can say that it does impact my telling work. Which is why you haven't heard that story yet. It also impacts my name change, as I have to wait until this is all resolved.

There is nothing I can do about it. I simply have to be patient and continue to progress on what I can in the mean time.

All I can do is hope it doesn't drag on too long.

In the mean time I wait.

42

2011-05-25T01:00:00.005-04:00

For those that don't know what today is.

Sorry I have a thing for odd, zany, and ironic humor.

1.21 Gigawatts!

2011-05-22T15:56:00.000-04:00

Now that time has sufficiently passed I was finally able to return to the task of removing the remaining hair on my face.

Surgery dictated that had to wait two months before I could resume this process.

Now so far I have had very good results with laser hair removal and the three and a half month delay would give is a good indication on what exactly was left.

[Note: Three and a half months for the six week stoppage prior and the two months wait until I could resume.]

As I mentioned I had gotten some really good results thus far and was actually a little curious myself what was actually left.

After setting up my next appointment I went a full week without shaving per instructions.

My tech was a little upset when I walked in the door as she thought I had not listened to her.

Ah contraire, I am a good little patient and do what it is I am asked. It just really was hard to see what was on my face unless you got up close for a good look.

Thus not only have I been pleased so was she. Here I had little or nothing on my cheeks and neck with only the upper lip and chin showing anything significant.

But...

Did you sense the but in there?

The laser treatments have run their course since there had not been any change after the last couple of sessions.

Considering that the decision was made to switch to electrolysis.

Now this was my first experience with this procedure.

My thoughts?

SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL!!!!!!!!

Here I thought laser hurt, especially so the first few sessions when the hair is denser and more hair follicles are killed off during the process. Now while it always hurt the amount did diminish as hair was cleared away.

I now have the utmost sympathy for those that are forced to use just this method. My goodness is painful and slow.

Hopefully her estimation of about six weeks give or take holds up and we can clear most of it away.

We shall see.

Not a Pretty Girl

2011-05-20T10:41:00.002-04:00

I hear them all the time.

Nearly every time I go out.

It happened this last weekend when I was out Friday night with B.

We ran into some people he knows and they questioned him about me.

Why?

And I quote: "Well what is a pretty girl like her doing here?"

(I should explain that now that B is single and I am not actively interested in any type of dating right now I quite often accompany him to one of his favorite spots. I actually like it, it is small, quaint, extremely friendly and very laid back. There are even a fair number of women there, though I will assume they are lesbians. You almost don't realize it is a gay bar.)

They were thoroughly confused about it.

B even looked at me at one point and asked me if I thought I was pretty.

My answer was no.

He proceeded to go around the table asking the others what they thought.

Obviously they all contradicted my answer.

I basically all told them I won't ever think I am a pretty girl.

Thought I have had every reason to become an arrogant bitch about it too.

For example, I have, at some point, heard the following.

"Wow you are so pretty!"

"She is f#@king gorgeous!"

"You are intimidatingly beautiful."

"You are very hot!"

"You look amazing."

"I am so jealous of you."

"You are the most beautiful woman here."

Really I could go on and on. I hear these to from all walks of life. Cis men and women, gay men and women, trans, you name it. Obviously people are allowed to have their opinion and it is nice to hear the complements. I just don't by into the hype myself. Yet it isn't a false modesty that I feel this way.

I just don't, nor will ever feel, that I am.

I don't know if it is my humble northern Midwest upbringing or simply a lack of ego. It probably as a lot to do with the fact that I am trans and I have long hated the reflection in the mirror. That even now, today after all the changes, I will always have to deal with the memory of trying to convince myself of who I should be and what I should look like.

Or not look like.

Now don't get me wrong, the compliments are nice to hear. Having someone anyone tell you that you are pretty or cute or whatever is a great feeling and certainly is good for the confidence. Plus knowing someone finds you attractive is a great feeling.

At the end of the day, you can say whatever you want to me. I will smile and say thank you. Genuinely too.

However I won't ever believe you or feel that way about myself. I won't ever flaunt it in someones face.

I am not a pretty girl.

I am just me.

Simply a girl who took the long way around to finding herself.

Courage Under Fire

2011-05-11T11:01:00.000-04:00

The Professor and I have still been car-pooling to work from time to time since I told him about everything.

The first couple of trips we really didn't talk about anything specific or at least trans related.

Not that I am not willing to talk about it, but I find after I tell people they need some time to process what I just told them.

Good or bad they just need to gather their thoughts.

If they are than willing to discuss it so am I. I just don't ever want to overload someone about it or have it be the 'only' thing we talk about.

Truly I only talk about it because I have to, I would so rather talk about other things.

So during the third trip(it was my turn to drive) on the way home for the day, he finally brought it up.

He asked a lot of really good questions. Discussed things that are on his mind. Always polite and sometimes sarcastic about it but all good natured and it was obvious he was trying to learn more.

It even really touched me that when he told me that he was already trying to get used to the new pronoun's in his head. Trying to think of me more as She, Her, and Kelli.

I told him how much that means to me.

During this conversation he said something that was really interesting.

He told me that he really thought I was one of the bravest people he has met by doing what I am doing.

I smirked at him and told him I wasn't brave. I was just determined to finally stop living a lie. To end the torment and mental anguish I had felt over the years. That I had simply worn out and didn't want to live the way I have been anymore. It wasn't me and it took a lot of time and overcoming a lot of fears to get to this point.

I followed that with: "To me people like you are the brave ones. Those who are willing to open their hearts and minds up to me. To try and still accept me as your friend even as I change and parts of the person you knew melt away and someone similar yet different takes their place. All the while overlooking what society might think because you still care about our friendship. To me that is brave, not what I am doing."

I could see him out of the corner of my eye look at me for a moment.

"Wow that is the most profound thing I think I have ever heard. That really says a lot about how much you have thought about this and how aware of who you are now. Also I am flattered that you think it is everyone around you who has to be brave and not you."

We continued to talk about certain things but I think at the end of the trip we reached a new understanding of each other.

It is really how I feel. I spent years trying to suppress who I was and live a life that I could be happy with. I failed miserable because the longer it went on the worse I felt. I am simply doing what I have to at this point to put and end to this and allow myself to be myself. Having friends who can still be my friend even with everything that is happening or will happen to me means a lot. I might not be that different from the person they knew but I know I won't be exactly the same either.

Only time will tell how it all turns out.

Thus far the friendship remains and seems like it will.

All good things which I really could use right about now.

Happy Mothers Day!

2011-05-08T05:07:00.002-04:00

I can't thank my mom enough today. Sadly she is out of town but I have already seen her this week.

I know all this is stressing her out but she has been amazing. In dealing with my dad and brother. To being there for me for my surgery, and...well...just being my mom when I need her.

She isn't perfect but she is mine.

Happy Mothers Day Mom!

Feeding My Addiction

2011-05-07T07:29:00.004-04:00

If you have been following along and I do hope you have been, otherwise why am I writing this?

I tease. I write for my own reasons but it is nice to know some people are reading it.

But I digress.

If you have indeed been following along my little misadventures you will know I have an obsession with music.

Really I don't watch a lot of TV, I read books and listen to music.

Just thought I would share a few really new things that have been getting some serious play lately.

The XX - XX

I find the arrangements haunting and different. Shelter just makes me want to melt. Love.

Liquid Stranger - Mechanoid Meltdown

Cause I heard the song Bully and had to go find the rest of the album. So different, so dirty, so punchy, so grimy and so cool.

Florence + The Machine - Lungs

Because I simply love Florence's vocals. She isn't afraid to sing about what she wants too and has the voice to pull it off. Pair that with some wonderful song writing and I am in heaven.

The Ravonettes - Chain Gang of Love

Love the retro sound, fun modern themes, just a darn good listen. (Side note the other albums I have sampled so far are just as good.)

DJ Icey - Essential Elements

I forget how I found him recently, but I discovered his satellite radio broadcasts Automatic Static. I download the podcasts as I can find them and catch the show when I can. His set at Ultra Music Festival 2011 is so deliciously good. I since have discovered his personal CD's and this is now in my collection and one of my favorites to groove to at work.

Metric - Fantasies

Somewhere, sometime, something streamed the song Gold Gun Girls into my ears recently. Instantly I was hooked and sought out the rest of the disk to see if there were more songs to like. Better still was a fantastic album from top to bottom and it has been getting lot of play lately.

Beastie Boys - Hot Sauce Committee Part Two

Since I first heard them in 1987 I have been hooked. I love their brand of creative quirkyness. Their no holds bar approach to creating music that they want to and not caring if everyone likes it. I couldn't wait for this one when I heard it was coming and it was so worth the wait. I love that they sound new and old at the same time here.

I cannot add them to the list as they don't have full albums(or I haven't found them) to listen too. Along with what I mentioned above I have also been listening to Avicii (I recommend Swede Dreams and Penguin). Skrillex, crazy, crazy dubsteb mixes. He does a wicked remix of Lady Gaga's Bad Romance and his own Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites is wonderfully different. Syndey Blu's - Give It Up For Me, Pink Flamingo's - Contact High, and the Ting Tings - Two Hands(Low Sunday Indie Mix)(This one is a pre-release as the album isn't out yet). I also recommend DJ Liquid Todd. His Boombox Radio set lists have introduced to me some interesting music and I love his diverse mix.

As you can see the my tastes are wide and varied. I'll listen to anything once. The question is do I like enough to listen again.

I just never know, but I love suggestions!

The Story You've Been Waiting For

2011-05-04T15:20:00.003-04:00

I believe I mentioned a few posts ago about having taken the plunge and undergone some facial surgery.

Plunge is a very apropos word here.

I briefly covered how rough and overwhelming the whole process was. Not that I was completely unprepared for it, or something awful happened.

It just was, as they say, major surgery. Even though I was back on my feet quickly and getting around just fine, starting the day after. It really took nearly two months to feel normal, or feel like I had some energy.

It truly was like battling quicksand. The more I struggled to get out the more I sank back in.

My body, and more so my mind, needed time to recover.

I can say that in recent weeks I am feeling my old self again. My energy levels are way up, I am exercising again and I just feel good.

So let this be a warning to anyone who undergoes something like this. It will impact you, harder then you think. Take me, I am a notoriously quick healer but there is more than just the surface that needs to heal. Just take your time and let your body and mind guide you.

Now with that important public safety message out of the way, and with my spirits up, how do I feel about what was done.

Well for the most part really good.

Honestly.

We successfully flattened out my adams apple, and while you cannot get rid of it, it is hard to see. They only way I know it is there is when I feel it. Mine just had a sharp point to it that made it obvious so I am extremely happy it is gone.

What else?

My hairline has been moved forward quite nicely, he even was able to go back into my hairline at my temples and pull that up to reduce the size of my recessed corners. He was the only one to mention he could do that and it worked better than I imagined. Now I don't have a perfect hairline as I knew this was a two part process. The second being some transplant work to fill everything in. I will say I see a lot of potential in my hairline now, where I didn't before and I am excited to see it once that second step is able to take place. One has to let the scalp heal for several months to ensure an adequate blood supply to the hair to support the transplants. Plus with how it turned out it isn't going to take a much hair to accomplish this.

The only side effect is the distinct lack of feeling in the top front half of my head. I have read about this but it is really a strange sensation. You don't even notice it until you would need to notice it. For example I as getting into my car recently and was trying to lean over to reach something on the other seat and could not fathom why my head wouldn't move. Only to discover my head was pressed against the overhead console and would not allow it. I didn't know because I couldn't feel it. This should return to normal sometime between six months and a year. I am not too worried as I said it causes no discomfort at all.

Moving along.

My forehead.

This one amazes me for two reasons. It was the first thing I noticed when the bandages were removed and the one people notice the least. I kid you not. Paired with a gentle lift of my brows it looks great. I just think it so subtle that if you haven't seen me in a while it doesn't look different or they can't put their finger on what it is they are noticing. I love this change the most and can't wait to pair it with the second part of the hairline work. The work here was excellent and most important to me looks great and everything is still working. I am a very facial expressive person and I never wanted to not be able to use my facial features.

Next was the chin.

This was simply a small reduction in squareness and shape. Now I can't comment on this one fully just yet. He did tell me it would take the longest to be visible. I can say with some degree of certainty this is true. My chin is a little puffy and sore still. I know I mentioned the eating issue in the past. However I am eating normally again today with just a mild reminder that things are a little stiff and numb still in there. With the lingering swelling it is hard to say what the final look is but I will say that so far I really like it so far. I think he fit it to my face very well but only time will tell for sure.

I have heard it can take up to a year to see you jawline but i imagine that is in the case of those that get a lot of heavy work done. Mine was all up front and mostly under the chin. I'll let you know for sure.

Which brings me to my nose.

This is the one part of the whole event I have been mildly disappointed with. Now there is nothing wrong, or broken with my nose. Quite the opposite in fact. I have never been able to breathe through it better in my entire life. I didn't realize how bad it actually was until I could actually breathe through it.

He did a great job straightening out the sides along the bridge. The first time I put my sunglasses on I had to immediately adjust the nose pads as they slid almost right down my nose.

No, the issue is the overall shape. I feel that the angle of the bridge was left much too strong. Which when you see the forehead work is bit of a disappointment. A gentle sloping of it would have probably made all the difference in the world.

The tip is the other issue and while I may have failed to realize or communicate how or allow him to alter my bridge (mostly because I didn't know it would need to be changed more until after the fact). We did have a long discussion on lifting the tip and reducing its size and as of right now I don't feel any of that happened.

I don't know why it came out this way. I do have an appointment setup(long distance) to discuss the matter. I am just bummed out a bit because if I wasn't transitioning I think 'he' would have been happy with the results. However that isn't what I wanted.

This played into my mood recently. Though there were many things this has kind of poke the hardest. Which only caused me to question everything else and doubt things even more.

I don't know what I will do yet, but I imagine I will look into a revision in the future. Not something I really wanted to do but there is nothing I can do about it now.

Again, everything else has turned out really well. I don't have any complaints about the work done overall or the quality. Everything is healing well and even my nose looks fine. There is nothing broken, healing weirdly, or just flat out messed up.

It really is all coming along well and other than missing the mark in one area everything is fine.

As for who did the work, if you really want to know please email me. I don't want to start any issues in the comment section. What went wrong is also my fault. Either not understanding what he was explaining to me or not explaining what I expected clearly enough. I love all the rest of the work done and I would recommend him to others considering work. The care was excellent and the support of the office staff wonderful. Is any surgeon perfect? No. Then also consider that any surgery is risky no matter who is doing the work. Being disappointed about the shape is a lot better than having a botched or strange looking nose.

I happy with the results so far and how everything is healing and looking. I have stated previously I cannot wait to tie it all in with filling in the leftover rough spots in my hairline. Sadly I will probably revisit one area and change it a little more, but I could leave it and still have a straighter nose that works sooo much better than it did before.

And that is the rest of the story.

To Make Omelets...

2011-04-28T05:39:00.001-04:00

...one must break a few eggs.

Cause It is True

2011-04-26T20:34:00.003-04:00

Just When You Need It

2011-04-25T15:57:00.000-04:00

You might recall in this post I mentioned I recently got a pedicure.

Which was some much needed self indulgence and pampering.

However something very interesting happened after my appointment.

Yet before I tell you that I need to explain something about the salon I go to.

Now it is a full service salon, hair, nails, massage, waxing, makeup, you name it there isn't much they don't do.

It isn't the flashest place or the largest but the stylist and workers are a strange mix of fun, sweet and mildly dysfunctional. You can't help but smile whenever you are there they are just a crazy fun bunch.

It is also trans friendly, which is why I started going there all those years ago.

I was referred on a message board as I was looking for help in regards to presenting myself as a woman. I didn't have anyone else to go to and honestly the only other 'known' place was a rather drag-centric location. I walked in there once and ran right back out.

So many moons ago I talked with the owner there and she put me at ease from that moment on, the rest they say is history. While I don't see her for makeup anymore she did give me a great foundation of skills and does pass along new tips when they come in. She does still do my hair and has been slowly teaching me how to style it as it grows out. She has become almost a second mom to me.

The point of that story is that the environment is very supportive from everyone even some of the clients.

Which brings me back to what happened near the end of my pedicure appointment.

A female client, who had popped her head in earlier to ask my nail tech some things, had once again returned to talk to her. Before she could though she waited as my nail tech finished talking to me. As she wanted to know how long I intended to grow my hair.

I replied as long as I could as I didn't know how long that would be. Yet that I am hoping to at least reach my collar bone.

It was during this exchange that the client caught the color on my toes. Which is this wonderful metallic cobalt blue I found and brought in myself. Everyone always asks me where I got it when I decided to wear it.

Before I could answer my nail tech said the following.

"He brought it in himself."

Now two things here. First, I had a later appointment in the day, so I was doing the pseudo boy thing. Second, I was gathering my things to make my way out the door. Thus I wasn't paying attention to the clients reaction when this was said.

The client said something else and walked back into the salon proper.

My nail tech, realizing what she had said asked me how she should refer to me.

I smiled and stated simply as {his name} since I was still in between and not always there as a girl full time. I told her I don't mind for now. Once I am doing being a boy we can use my name all the time.

As awkward as it is, I hate making people switch back and forth.

This is when it got interesting.

The client was suddenly back in the door, asking me if she could get the name of the color on my toes. I happily showed her the bottle that was in my hand. When she suddenly asked me.

"Are you transitioning all the way?"

blink, blink, I was caught a little off guard.

"Ummm...yes."

"Omg! That is so cool! I think that is awesome and I apologize for intruding, but I was so confused when {my nail tech} referred to you as 'him'. Because you look like a girl and I had to run up front to ask what the story was. Also, can I just say you are going to make one pretty girl. You are now in fact much prettier then most."

I was stunned, all I could say was thank you and answer a few more of her questions. Along with get a few more compliments.

Now first of all I don't think of myself as pretty. Many of my friends all tell me differently, B chief among them. While I will concede that I probably make a cute girl. I just don't buy the whole, very pretty, gorgeous, freaking hot comments I hear.

Yet this woman, who's comment was spoken so genuinely, just blew my mind.

With everything going on in my head lately this was a huge boost at a time I could really use it. Better still it came from a source that knew nothing of me before and simply was stating something very sincerely. I know she mentioned seeing a few other clients come in and mentioning that she had never seen one like me before.

I know she asked a few more questions, I know I answered them, but really I was so overwhelmed by what she said that it really didn't sink in.

All I know is I walked out shortly their after with a small spring to my step.

You couldn't have had more perfect timing.

The Little Things

2011-04-20T20:58:00.001-04:00

It's the little things that can really make a difference.

Getting a haircut and style.

Hanging out with one of your favorite people for an evening. (You know it was B, like you had to ask.)

Getting a little shopping in for a few small things.

Watching my favorite hockey team win their first playoff game(Not to mention the next two).

Getting a pedicure. Who can resist cute colored toes?

Eating a hamburger for the first time in months. (We have this tiny hole in the wall bar that has simply one of the best burgers you will ever have. These things just ooze quality and yumminess.)

Making some blazingly good enchiladas that just didn't quit. Wheew!

Pairing those with some rather strong frozen margaritas!

Catching up with some people I haven't seen in months.

Life slowly returning to normal.

It is interesting to me how just these little mundane things can add up and do wonders for your Psyche.

Still it is nice to get these little boosts along the way.

Life is starting to look up.

Culinary Therapy

2011-04-19T10:39:00.002-04:00

It surprises me where one can find a sense of comfort.

Be it an activity, indulgence, or whatever.

I don't think I realized until now just how much I enjoy cooking.

Ok, maybe NOT everyday, but I do indeed enjoy it.

The only problem was recently I was not able to spend any real time in the kitchen.

The reason for this was the recovery from surgery on my chin. The first few weeks were the worst as it hurt to move my jaw at all. Nothing too painful mind you but it certainly wasn't any fun.

After that it really boiled down to the muscles were just sore and stiff when operating them. They still are, however they are far better today then a few weeks ago. What would happen is my jaw would just get tired from being told to open and close not to mention the additional pressure of being forced closed through some type of edible entity.

Put it this way imagine your jaw aching after you have been chewing gum too long. Now place that right up front and under your chin. Multiply and that is what it feels like.

The last few weeks have been a careful balancing act of eating more things but making sure not to overdo it. Which could happen easily with certain items.

As I mentioned though it has all gotten slowly better. You can imagine my excitement when I graduated from soups, smoothies, eggs, yogurt, and Jello, and moved onto things like Chili, Noodled dishes and the like.

My first Thai noodle dish in almost two months was like the best meal EVER!!

Which prompt a cold cut pita sandwich and eventually french fries!!

*GASP*

I know right!!! I said the FF words!! Shhhh, don't tell anyone.

I was in nom heaven!

All of this was been carefully monitored and if at anytime I felt that eating something was stressing things out too much I stopped and moved onto something else if I was still hungry.

The down side to all this was with such a limited menu I wasn't doing a lot of cooking.

You wouldn't think this would matter, honestly I didn't either. Though I was growing quite tired of the bland repetitive menu.

So you can imagine my glee when I finally pulled out the dutch oven and promptly set about to braising a wonderful pork shoulder this last weekend. Mostly because I was looking forward to eating something real for a change. Besides I knew I could handle eating it because after three hours in the oven it comes out so moist and tender. I even whipped up a side of garlic and white cheddar mashed potatoes.

[Editor's note: The liquid diet had a serious impact to my weight not only did I loose the ten pounds I had gained from stopping hormones prior to surgery but lost an additional eight. Which is way too thin for me. Grabbing any extra calories I can get right now is a good thing.]

The totally unexpected part of all this was the calming affect being in the kitchen had. With all the craziness in my head lately it allowed me to let go a bit and just do something that felt...well,for lack of a better term...normal.

Fussing with ingredients, cooking them, tasting, adjusting.

It is amazing the sense of peace being in the kitchen brought to me. Not to mention how yummy everything was later.

[Editors note: Many people who have eaten my cooking usually ask my why I don't do it for a living. Having had worked as a short order cook, and seen the restaurant industry first hand. No thank you, I would loose all the joy I receive in the kitchen.]

Crazy how something like this can allow me to find my center again and help the process of returning things to normal.

Lost My Way

2011-04-08T13:22:00.000-04:00

Transition, with out a shadow of a doubt, is the hardest things I have ever attempted in my modest life.

However the past few weeks were particularly trying and honestly I didn't come out unscathed.

Six weeks ago I underwent facial surgery. The experience was quite profound. From trying to keep my nerves in check to go through with it. To the day itself and the recovery afterward.

It was a lot. There were things that were not covered in the handbook.

(Like you get a handbook, I am so complaining to management on this one.)

I faced moments of extreme and total panic. I endured a lot of discomfort. Not to mention the fact that things are weird as they heal. Compounded by the fact I was very unsure at times that it was all going to come out right.

Talk about playing with your emotions.

The absolute worst part?

I had to stop hormones for three weeks.

Ouch!

Let me just say this. I am not looking forward to doing that ever again.

It seriously messed with my mind and my sense of well being.

So through it all I ended up losing my sense of self. I think quite frankly I was overwhelmed with it all. I became disconnected with who I was. In the end didn't feel like anyone, not him, and more importantly not me.

I was quite honestly lost.

I didn't feel like stepping out of the house, I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I almost complete withdrew from the world.

I felt hugely disconnected from everything.

Made even more evident by my inability to write anything about...well...anything.

Now I was aware this was going on. I wasn't clueless about it. I didn't think it was that bad. I couldn't have been more wrong and I failed in trying to deal with it. I may have been trying to hard to get myself out of it, on my own. Which resulted in falling back onto old bad habits when life had become too much. Totally not a good thing.

None of the above is an excuse for what I did or was doing, and still dealing with. It did however play a large part in what happened to me and failed to handle.

Yet what I didn't realize, wasn't that I was just hurting myself in all this.

I was hurting others.

It took some very profound words that were incredibly hard to hear, spoken by a very dear friend, to wake me up from the stupor I was in. Allowing met to finally realize what a colossal idiot was being.

I was pushing people away, I was being increasingly crabby and sarcastic.

I was only exasperating the problem with my actions. Not solving anything.

I can only imagine how difficult it was for her to say what she did. I am both eternally grateful that she did along with extremely guilty I put her into that position.

It may be beyond my ability to ever properly express my thanks to her for doing it. Her words were like a cold bucket of water on my consciousness.

Talk about waking from a nightmare, worse still that you are still living it.

Yes I am not through all this yet. I still have to deal with what is going on in my head. I will say being more aware of it helps a great deal. I can get through this I just have to be more conscious about not letting myself slide backwards such as I did.

The plus side is that I am really starting to feel better physically and that can go a long way in helping one's mental well being.

It isn't the answer but every little bit helps right now. The hope is that I can find myself and can regain some balance in all this as life needs to start moving forward again.

As there is more change to come. So I will need to be better prepared for it.

In the mean time I only hope I am can be as good a friend to someone as they have been to me.

She knows who she is.

Banana Cruise 2011

2011-04-05T09:54:00.000-04:00

They are not taking a break, gorging on bananas, hanging in trees, on strike, or even rebelling.

Nope.

The typewriter monkeys are gone.

On vacation.

I have no idea when they will return.

For all I know they are sitting on a topical island or a fancy boat sipping fruity drinks with cute little paper umbrellas in them. If they are smart they found their way to the Lopburi Monkey Festival.

They are typewriters monkeys so I wouldn't give them that much credit.

However, they haven't called and they certainly haven't written.

Which brings me to my absence. I have had a serious case of writers block. Oh it isn't like I haven't had things to talk about but I just didn't always feel I wanted to talk about them or felt comfortable doing so.

I cannot say that I do now.

Though I will say that one of the reasons I haven't felt like talking is I have been busy recovering.

My days have been tied up in rest, caring for myself, and doing things I need to get better.

The good news is I am doing quite well and for the most part I am very happy with the results. Things are turning out they way I wanted them too.

It was indeed and interesting experience, yet one that I currently don't feel compelled to discuss publicly.

At least not now.

Someday I might. However for those that are truly interested and really want to know my email address is listed on the site. I will provide any details you might want as long as you have some good questions.

However for the time being life is a little on hold while I continue to heal and gain back some of my strength.

Trust me I have had B call me three times asking me when I would be ready to hang out again. I tell you that boy is a persistent one. Though it is welcome and appreciated.

Hopefully life will return to normal soon and I can start moving this process forward again. I would think that I would have a lot more to say when that happens.

In the mean time if you see any of my typewrite monkeys tell them to come home.

Though I can understand I might not want to leave this either if I was them.

Sounds of Silence

2011-02-28T19:24:00.001-05:00

It has been a little quite around here hasn't it?

I really should do a better job about that but in my defense I knew that was going to happen now and again this year.

I have a lot of things that will, are, or have happened.

It might take me a little time to catch up.

Those that are in my inner circle already know what is consuming my time.

Others might be able to guess on it.

However I won't talk about it until I feel I am ready.

Now is not that time.

Just know that I am here, all is well so far. Life is progressing and will only become more interesting.

See you all very soon.

Disclosure: Professor

2011-02-16T10:06:00.000-05:00

Well now that I told you about the night I had with B, I can follow it up with the lunch I had the next day.

My friend Professor as I will call him is an interesting case.

[Side Note] I am calling him Professor because he is indeed a teacher for a living. Not only that if you ever met him it becomes obvious the man loves to teach it is just part of his DNA.

It is interesting because while he and I went to HS together, at the same time, graduating in the same class and knew of each other. We never actually hung out much.

It wasn't until after we graduated that we really started to talk. Yet even then he traveled so much for school and teaching at music camps in the summer that I only saw him for a few days out of the year. Usually around the holidays. It is during those times I taught him how to ski.

It didn't take much but we were easily good friends it is almost like when we got together no time had even pasted since the last one.

Though today he lives only a few miles away and works around the corner from me. So we occasionally car pool in together.

It really depends on him as his teaching requirements and extra school activities that can get in the way.

essentially this is another very important friend I needed to tell.

So I finally pinned him down and took him to lunch last Saturday to tell him what was going on.

I had a hunch he thought something was up but being the friend that he was he never pushed me to tell him.

We finished lunch, laughing at a number of things and the silliness of life. When I finally broke down and told him.

Now as I proceeded with my little privacy disclaimer and started to launch into my dissertation of what was going on with me something I never saw before happened.

He got an incredible serious expression on his face.

Really I had never see anything like it before from him.

I actually cracked a bit while telling him as I thought here was another friend who was going to walk out the door. That he couldn't handle it and it was visibly upsetting him.

Why did I think this?

He is normally one of the most jovial people you will ever met. Always animated, quick with a smile and a sarcastic comment. Yet steadfast in his belief of you as a friend. So seeing a facial expression I have never seen on him before caused me to panic.

I forced my way through the rest of what I had to tell him and asked if he had any questions.

"Yes actually, I have three."

*gulp*

"First, why did you wait so long to tell me this?"

I explained the issues with his work, my project last year and that I had other people who were a little more important on my list to tell. I also explained the bad reactions I had gotten so far and how nervous I was to tell anyone.

"I get that, I saw you hesitate after lunch and that leads me to my second question. Why would you think I would have a bad reaction to this? I would think you knew I was a better friend than that!"

I informed him that out of all my friends I would have guess a positive reaction from him. However something I was once told is still very true. That you never know what reaction you will get. Sometimes those that you tell whom you would think would have a positive reaction, won't. Along with those that you would thing have a really hard time with it will be positive. Adding in the bad reactions I have had thus far I just don't know for sure.

He explained to me that I should have known better and that to him it isn't about gender, sexuality or whatever it is about the heart, mind and who the person is that matters. That even though it will take some time for him to adjust once I become Kelli full time, that I am still very much the same person only maybe a little different packaging.

"Which brings me to my last question. When, exactly, can I start giving you shit about this?"

Said with an amazingly mischievous grin on his face and a knowing twinkle in is eye. We have a similar sense of humor(you recall I have used mine with great affect to last this long.) he isn't going to be mean or nasty, but I knew he would poke a little fun from time to time when he can.

It didn't take long either with the jabs he did take like blaming me for having to now have a talk with his stepson he never expected to have in the next year. Along with a few others it was still a great conversation.

He asked some excellent questions about how this all came about. Discussed the issue with me thoroughly. Complimented me for taking the time to work through this and do my homework to make sure this was right for me. He really had the best response I have ever gotten from telling something about my function that it was a huge relief.

We spent three hours discussing the issue and all sorts of things. At the end of it all he fully expected to remain my friend as my friendship is more important than anything else.

The most telling aspect of it all was when he drove me home and just before I got out of his car asked: "Are we still on for carpooling this week?"

It is a huge relief to finally have someone who was so positive.

And You Called Me Crazy

2011-02-14T14:13:00.000-05:00

You might recall this little episode in my life.

I hope you do, cause I am not repeating it.

Well it worked out in ways I wasn't expecting.

All for the better though.

Let me explain.

B called me last week wanted to do something on Saturday, so of course I said yes.

Quite emphatically actually.

I mean it is B and I love him dearly and always, ALWAYS have fun with him.

Only...

...Saturday never happened.

Sounds sad doesn't it.

However it wasn't!

What happened was this, B had a little quarrel with his ex, wasn't doing well on Thursday night. Which was rather depressing and I felt like an awful friend as I had therapy that night.

Yet, late that night he sent me a text asking me to call him the following morning.

Which of course I did.

"Hey beautiful how are you?"

"I am good, but I am worried about you what is up?"

"Well I wanted to know what you are doing tonight?"

"Tonight? Nothing I am on my own for the night so I was just going to eat dinner and maybe watch some TV."

"Well would you like to come over for dinner tonight? I'll cook, you just need to show up."

"Really? I would love that. Let me make sure I have some things taken care of at home and I will let you know!!"

"Ok but don't take too long I need to go shopping for some things if you are going to come."

"I will let you know in just an hour or two."

"Great I hope you can. Oh and by the way, kept it simply you don't have to dress up, but don't do the boy thing either you look kind of silly like that."

"LOL!! Thanks B, I'll keep that in mind."

I bet you want to know what happened?

Well I made sure things were going to be alright at home, shifted some things around that I was going to do, and confirmed with B that I would indeed be at his place for dinner. We agreed on a time and were set.

Now here is the interesting thing. His statement to me was interesting, what was I going to do or more important, how was I going to appear.

Now knowing that he had seen me in my rawest form, I thought about it all day. After rushing home, I simply threw on some sneakers, jeans, a long sleeved white tee shirt, and one of my favorite girl hoodie over it. I brushed out my hair with a little mouse and a touch of the hair dryer. I only used a little powder over some concealer, eyeliner and lip gloss.

Out the door I went.

From the moment I walked into the door he told me I looked more like myself.

As soon as my coat came off though it got better.

"Now that is the girl I am used to seeing!!! I do very much prefer you looking like this! It is more you and you look like a normal girl."

Followed up with:

"I do very much prefer your hair too. Honestly, I really don't want to see the wig anymore."

He let me wrap up some things for work as we had an emergency project and they needed my help to set something up. Thankfully we had to wait to shutdown and change the system so by the time I got to B's they were ready for me.

After that he and I sat down and had chicken pot pie, semi-homemade as I like to call it, but it was good and with different filling items than what I am used to. He is a fairly good cook but doesn't know a lot of recipes. I once offered to teach him a few things and he very much wants to take me up on it.

I had fun, enjoyed the movie, the food, the company, and the conversation.

Yet that wasn't even the best part.

Really, it does get better.

Almost within a few minutes of finishing the movie I was in the bathroom when his phone rang. When I came out he was still on it and looks at me:

"R is out at and would like us to come up for a drink or too."

I froze.

"Oh, come on Kelli you are going to have to start getting out sooner or later with out looking perfect all the time."

"Lol it isn't that but I feel I don't quite look like me."

Never mind that I didn't feel dressed for a trip to the bar.

"You are fine, really no one will bother you, you've been there before."

I still balked, hesitated, and almost refused to go.

Yet this was why I showed B what he looked like, because he sat me down, and talked me through it gently and really was so damn supportive and sweet I couldn't say no.

So I didn't.

O_O

Off we went.

I still hesitated when I got there, but as we drove separately so I could head home (as that was a shorter drive for me than to head back to B's house first) he came over to my car and walked me into the bar.

We caught R at the door, those two hugged but I could see R's face over B's shoulder and it took him a moment but his eyes lit up when he realized who I was.

He let go of B, immediately came up to me have me a huge squeeze telling me how good it was to see me again. With a wonderful comment about how much he liked my hair.

I didn't stay long but it was great to see those two together again. They are cute, adorable, and funny on their own, but the two of them together had my sides hurting. There is just something magical about them together.

I got some great comments from R's significant other who I met at B's cookout back in July. He didn't recongise me at all and as soon as R explained it to him his first comment was something along the lines of how much more I was looking like a girl.

In addition to him R's Neighbor, whom I was introduced to, had to ask them if I was a girl or a boy. R explained I was a girl now but there was a point in my past when I wasn't. He said ok, and that I was looking really good now. That the only thing made him question me was the hairline, or more specifically the shape.

See.

It is something that will have to be dealt with. Which is very quickly approaching the first step.

To put in better perspective I explained to B and R that when I first met them over a year and a half ago. I had just started removing facial hair, I had just started replacing my hormones, I had only been growing my hair out for about six or eight months(really it wasn't growing in really well until I started HRT it is night and day different today.) I wouldn't have been caught dead out with my own hair and almost no makeup.

They were both amazed about just how far I had come and said that more now than ever then I look pretty much like a girl even though there are a few small tells. They again related the story to me how they still never knew I wasn't actually a girl until I told them almost three months later. Including the fact that most people were only looking at me that night because their first impression was that I was actually a girl and they couldn't figure out why I was hanging out in a gay bar. It was then that noticed something that cause them to ask one of them.

B even surprised me with something C told him now that he is single.

"B we need to find someone like Kelli for you. She is sweet, sensitive, funny and smart. Only we need to find it in boy form."

I stared at him quizzically and he followed up with.

"Kelli she really likes you and even though she knows, she can't think of you as anything other than a girl. Which is why she knows you wouldn't work for me."

Funny that, huh?

However that is why I am glad I showed him my other side, I would never have done any of this if I had not done that. It open up a level of comfort with him I never would have had otherwise. Strange how that worked out.

At the end of the night he walked me back to my car and I gave him a huge hug for being so wonderful to me and caring so much. He simple told me how proud he was that I went out that night. He also told me how brave I am for going through all this so I could finally be happy. He then told me I was one of the best friends he had and that he loved me very much.

I am just thankful he hung onto me while I cried on his shoulder, not only releasing the energy from nerves and fears I had, but because he is such a wonderful friend.

And that is the reason I love him so much. He not only got me to work past some of my fears, he was right there to support me while I did so.

Today I am the luckiest girl in the world.

The Big Scary One

2011-02-04T09:29:00.000-05:00

If you have been following along, and I hope you have been, I talked about a large portion of who I am recently.

Well, there was a reason I told you all that.

Yes apparently there are methods to my madness.

However the reason I explained all that is that I have a rather important meeting coming up.

HR.

Yep, I am tentatively meeting with them next week to discuss an issue.

I am not entirely sure how to approach this. I have thought about a detailed packet of information and a disclosure letter. Other ideas were to just walk in explain things and get feed back from HR about the issue.

Right now I am not looking to tell them when I am transitioning, just simply that I am planning it and that I need to know exactly what the company's response is and what their stance is going to be.

I do know there is some good verbiage in the employee handbook but I wouldn't say it is perfect.

At least there is some promise there.

I don't know recent discussions have me thinking all different types of things and I am running out of time to figure out what and how.

Though as of right now I am leaning toward just telling them the basics and leaving the door open to provide more should they ask for it.

However if there is one thing I am still absolutely terrified about it is my job.

I may not love it anymore. I may hate the political waffling that screws with my ability to provide services to the company as a whole. I might hate the constant finger pointing between departments. I may not like the two people I am being forced to train on the systems I work on (It is for backup reasons, my manager panics whenever I want time off and he just wants someone to have some familiarity with these systems. I guess it is the 'what happens if I get hit by a bus syndrome'. As for those too, well one forgets everything I teach him, even when I make him take the notes and write up the documentation, really? The other is just awful to work with, he thinks he is smarter than everything else even after the countless times we have proved him wrong. Sad really.) While it might not be my life. It allows me to live my life.

That is why it is such a huge concern for me. I cannot transition without it.

I know that I fully intend to leave at some point, but that isn't now. I need time to make this switch and maintain my employment.

So this particular disclosure has me almost petrified. I am second guessing everything and how to do it.

Yet I know it needs to get done.

Color me scared today.

Here is to keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best.

Call Me Crazy

2011-02-01T12:33:00.000-05:00

This last weekend I did something rather interesting.

I am still not sure how I feel about the overall experience but before I tell you why, I will tell you what I did.

As you might know I spend a lot of time with my friend B. I love him, he is sweet and charming, funny and cute. We have a lot of fun together.

Now in the year and a half that I have known him he has always been curious how I portray a boy. As he has only ever met me.

Well since I have some fundamentally life altering changes coming soon and he of all the people I know will probably get to see various versions of me as I heal and settle into what life will become afterward.

So I decided to do something really out of character.

I was going to let someone who really only knew me to met him.

O_O

Crazy I know.

So I called him up and made the offer. He got all excited as he always wanted to know and immediately agreed to accompany me to lunch this last Saturday.

At which point I promptly starting FREAKING OUT for the next couple of days.

The logic behind all this was to give him some type of reference point from what I was coming from as I try to get to what I want.

Plus give him some type of comfort level as to what I might look like from time to time.

Even so I was FREAKING OUT about it.

I wanted to back out several times.

I nearly called him Saturday morning to say no.

But I didn't.

I got up ran a few early morning errands and shoveled snow.

FREAKED OUT.

Came home and showered.

FREAKED OUT SOME MORE.

Got dressed, dried and styled my hair.

FREAKED OUT A BIT.

Called him one last time to allow him a chance to back out.

He didn't take it.

Then I proceeded to drive to his place and picked him up.

FREAKING OUT THE ENTIRE WAY THERE.

Really I kid you not. At one point I wanted thought I was going to be physically ill. Right there in the car.

I don't know why it bothered me so much. I am still trying to work that out. Maybe I was just afraid he wouldn't see me as the same person or suddenly treat me different. His friendship has been very valuable to me and I really didn't want to lose it.

Much as when I tell people who know him that I am trans and I know they are going to have a hard time with it. Along with only probably being worse once they meet me.

I bet you are dying to know what happened now?

Well besides the fact that I FREAKED OUT in his driveway.

Have I mentioned I freaked out a bit?

I steadied my nerves and to the front door I went.

The response?

He laughed a bit at me but not in a mocking manner. He just told me to relax and chucked a bit more as he then promptly told me:

"Kelli you are fine. I am surprised by the length of your hair I wasn't expecting it to be so long. Oh and by the way, you totally look like a girl pretending to be a guy."

He had a more colorful comment based on how I was dressed that got me to laugh and relax. He was surprised how nervous I was.

Well he was simply amazing. He could see my stress levels almost immediately. He even gave me a big hug that put me at easy and promptly spent the next several hours with me.

I took him to one of my favorite restaurants that has one of the best burgers you will ever have. He loved it. We talked about all types of things. Me, Him, Life in general. Laughed and checked out guys. He was so funny as he had a better view of the door coming in. Thus he kept teasing me about them as they came in.

"Oh you need to see this one!"

Fully knowing I wasn't going to crane my head around to see them.

One mustn't be obvious. ;)

It was funny to because he wasn't expecting me to be dress quite the way I was. I told him that it was my intention to show him what I did on a daily basis and how I tried to present the world at large with him.

He laughed again and told me I could dress as a little more like me next time as he found it rather comical. I simply explained to him that I was attempting to give him the full package. He stated it wasn't working.

The best part of the whole thing was he never once got my Pronouns right.

How could that be a good thing you ask?

Simple. He called me Kelli and used her or she the entire time. To him I guess I am the same person just looking a bit different and maybe a little silly.

Overall I found the experience a little odd and surreal. However I can say with his reaction and support it went pretty well and I am glad he is getting some idea of what I have been through and working towards. The really interesting part what as soon as he put me at ease and treated me like he always does I immediately relax and couldn't maintain the persona around him. I just fell into being me.

I will say that the day I don't have two halves of me are fast coming to a close and I for one am looking forward to it.

It still was pretty crazy to do something like this.

Lunch Rush

2011-01-28T09:51:00.002-05:00

You might remember this story here.

Do you?

Good.

If not I suggest you go familarize yourself with it.

Go on...

...I'll wait...

Finished?

Good.

Now that you are familair with the fact that I don't go out to lunch anymore with people from work. It makes the all the more sense when you consider yesterday.

I ran out to grab an Itailan sub from a local little deli.

They are amazing.

It is a cool place where you stand in the middle of the line and shout out your order. Three people working the entire store and I do belive they bake their own bread.

After having done conveyed my order and was moving up to the casheir to pay for my order, the clerk turned around, grabbed the sub that was waiting and asked who's it was.

The other one replied. "Oh that is hers right there."

Obviously she was pointing right at me.

The really scary part.

There weren't any other girls in the place.

This is a big reason I have stopped trying to even go out as him. I just find it awkward these days and I never know what the response is going to be and whom I will be with. I really just want to avoid awkward moments.

I really have become a homebody.

Thank goodness life as him is rapidly coming to a close.

It just isn't fast enough.

Kelli 202

2011-01-27T09:51:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the next course everyone.

Today I am going to give you a little more about me.

I need to cover a topic in greater depth and I feel it is important for you to know how I ended up where I am today.

However I am not talking about being trans or anything to do with transitioning.

I don't usually talk about this and should probably be careful what I do mention.

The topic?

What I do for a living.

The first reason I don't talk about it is that it almost always goes right over peoples heads.

Most of the time when I get asked. I just say I work in Information Technology or IT.

"So you work on computers?"

"Something like that."

"How can it be like that?"

"Well I have a rather unique skill set that is hard to explain."

When prompted to provide more information I give them a very high level remark about what I work on and with.

Which at that point causes their eyes to glaze over.

Granted I have done a lot of different things in the field over fifteen years.

But how did I get here?

In school, and I am referring to my public education, they made sure we took computer classes. Consider too that my parents had purchased an Apple II for me to fiddle around with they were just always a part of my life.

Now my interest was the art and music software. At one point I wanted to create art with a computer but in that day and age I didn't know if was going to be as huge as it was now. Plus I didn't have access to any of those very expensive high end drawing and production applications.

Really they were not hundreds or thousands of dollars but tens of thousands in some cases.

Still I had fun with what I did have access too along with the fact that as a side benefit I actually learned how to use a computer.

This is a skill that became invaluable as I was able to use my knowledge to complete homework assignments, write papers faster, etc.

I have always been someone who, when learning something I wanted, would teach myself all the ancillary stuff so I would be better informed about the environment I was working on in general.

Didn't really matter what I was doing or working on I just have a very inquisitive mind and love to learn.

But I am digressing.

Sadly I learned that while pretty creative and somewhat talented I just did not have enough talent to make a go as a graphic artist. Plus I was terrible with deadlines. My old art teacher used to joke with me that I created some amazing things but never in a timely fashion.

Seriously I have two friends who are worlds more talented. The things they can whip up is simply astounding and they both struggle to work at times.

With that in mind I still studied art in school, but I knew I had to find something else for a career. I decided to start taking accounting classes(I even took the first computerized accounting class). My Mom did it for a living at that time and it seemed like something I could do.

However once in college I drew the conclusion that accounting was simply not for me. I am not sure what it was but I think I was just burned out on it.

Not knowing what to do with myself and trying to find some sort of direction I realized I knew how to use a computer so why not look there.

Thus I tried my hand at some programming classes.

While ok with it, it wasn't something I wanted to pursue greatly.

It was however during this that I learned a skill that later played a large role in what I do today.

Since I was living at home during college and I was commuting to use the computer lab at school to write programs for homework. I realized I needed to do something at home. My little Apple II was not allowing me to do the work I needed anymore.

It's time had sadly passed.

Now the issue was I was covering a large portion of my college expenses. Working full time as a shipping clerk. Extra cash was hard to come by. Not to mention personal computers were very expensive in the early 1990's.

So what to do?

I didn't know until one day I was sitting in the lab doing homework when a couple of the lab rats were in the working on a machine that was causing problems when they started talking about building a computer.

I interrupted: "You can do that?"

They then explained how you could buy the parts and assemble it yourself. Explaining a lot of the process. Along with how to locate the parts. There was no Internet and online ordering then. I had to track down local computer shows were a lot of hardware vendors would sell part. Shop around for the best prices. Plus asking a lot of questions and learning things I would need to know. Again I needed to accomplish something so I was going to learn all that I could.

I cannot imagine living in the world and not willing to learn about things. Even if they are not the most important to you. The world is an amazing place full of amazing things.

Six months later I assembled a fully working computer, even loading my own operating system. I did it for a third of the cost of buying a new system from a large manufacturer.

The rest they say is history.

Shortly after that my cousin got me into the company she worked as a programmer for. I got a contract fielding help desk calls for a large global manufacturing company.

There I met a Network Administrator who taught me the basics of how a Local Area Network was put together and even tapped me to help rollout some of the upgraded equipment. Wendy was amazingly smart and fun to work with. I remember her being a huge Pink Floyd fan.

After that ran out and the next contract didn't work for me. I moved on as an administrator at a moderately sized accounting firm.

A differing of philosophies there prompted my exit to a large consulting group that someone I knew from HS was working for.

Thus began my 12 year career as a consultant performing all types of tasks and working any number of projects.

I have worked with fortune 100 and 500 companies. Doing anything from systems management to world wide system migrations. I have traveled quite extensively around the united states. Missing a few opportunities to visit other countries. I have worked for some of the largest school districts in the state. Down to some of the smallest offices and clients you could have.

I did eventually tired of the travel and constant rushed deadlines. Working for school districts was the worst as we had to pack eight months of work in to two and a half. Not to mention they never gave us enough lead time to properly prep as much as we could to avoid working ridiculous hours.

I recall once working 120 hours a week for three weeks straight. I was a mess for sometime after that.

However three years ago I received a call from a local recruiter asking me if I would consider a local position with a large advertising firm. I had the craziest interview ever. Try all six team members all at once.

In the end they were impressed enough to give me an offer and wait over a month for me to start as I needed to complete a project that I had assigned travel dates for.

I have been here ever since.

Still I have worked with some amazing people and a number of women. Those that I have mentioned along with Marsha, a little California blonde who was the cutest hardware junkie you ever met. Maia who taught me a lot about messaging systems beyond the local office. Carol whom with we figured out how to deploy servers in a faster manner.

While they were all helpful and fun to work with it really just came down to the fact that everywhere I went I have been asked to learn new things or expand upon what I have already learned. I am never afraid to learn it and I never said no. I did however always notice that woman had less of an ego and were more open to sharing information on things than the boys were. Which is something I have always done. I am willing to teach people who want to learn something and I am never afraid to ask questions myself. You just have to be willing to learn and open to it.

Many are not. Mostly egotistical men who think they know everything.

I can tell you it doesn't matter who you are in the industry you cannot possibly know it all. It is a good engineer who can admit that.

And while I don't exactly love what I do it has been a good life and it at least has stayed interesting. There is always something to work on or issue to resolve. I have never really been bored.

I never imagined myself here twenty years ago, it just all kind of happened. I was very lost in college and life in general. It was a large part of keeping myself busy so I wouldn't deal with the issues that were bothering me.

So today at the end of the day when someone asks me what I do, what do I tell them?

"I am a System Engineer/Administrator specializing in Storage Area Networks along with system virtualization and global directory services."

I do wear a lot of other little hats and deal with a lot of other things but those things are the majority of what I do.

And now you know.

Class dismissed.

Living in an Icebox

2011-01-25T14:20:00.000-05:00

Actually I have this theory.

It is kind of crazy.

I actually do think that hell isn't a blazing inferno.

Nope.

Not one sparkling ember.

I full believe that it is instead frozen.

Completely.

Why?

Simple.

I cannot think of anything that would be a worse punishment then to have to shovel snow for the rest of eternity.

Making you think aren't I?

I could very well could be onto something.

Moving on.

The real reason I mention temperature is the fact that we had a bit of an incident at the office to day.

A close encounter of the frigid kind, if you will.

There are two things you must know. One is that I am responsible for a large portions of equipment that is located in our datacenter. As this is a windy and considerable cooled installation. The average temp in there is usually just over 60 degrees.

Second is that my building, the one on the campus that I am actually in. Has very large windows as the exterior wall. What I am referring too is almost floor to ceiling windows and our walls are ten or twelve feet in height.

Now knowing that I can tell you this. It doesn't matter what time of the year it is, I am cold in this building. Even in the summer I usually have a light track jacket on hand in case I have to go into the datacenter or the air is unusually chilly. The other reason is that the layers hid what I actually look like underneath.

Winter is obviously worse.

Now I like winter, I love to ski and partake in a number of wintry activities. However I am usually dress appropriately for these types of pastimes. I am also moving around.

How else could I get a picture like this?

Which brings me to yesterday at the office. An all together different matter. My region had been beset upon by some crazy arctic air patters and we have been experiencing single digit temperatures.

Now I was aware of this and knowing my office I had three layers on.

[Editorial point; While I do indeed still love Winter, I also do not have the tolerance for cold that I once used to. Just another one of the changes I have had to learn to deal with. I just try to know what I am doing and wear more clothing.]

Yes I said three.

The worst part?

It wasn't enough.

For some silly reason some circuit crossed or some electron jumped when it should not have.

Whatever.

All know is it was around 55 degrees in my office and the vents were blowing cold air.

It was cold.

Blowing warm air into your hands kind of cold.

It was crazy. Everyone in the office was sitting in their jackets.

It took building maintenance almost the entire day to fix the issue. Whatever it was.

I could not get home fast enough, shovel snow, start a fire and snuggle up under a blanket with something warm to eat.

The ridiculous part?

After I was all nice and toasty warm again. I bundled myself all back up and took my dogs for a late night walk around a local park.

I just find the outside magical during winter and walking in the woods and the snow late at night is just too pretty and serene. It allows me to take my mind off of things and enjoy the moment. Even if I am with the dynamic duo.

That doesn't mean I wasn't snugly tucked into my bed with an electric blanket on as soon as I got home. :D

Positively Hurting

2011-01-21T10:24:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I received a letter from my Father.

He and I have hardly spoken since the day I told him.

Usually the only reason he talks to me now is to ask me to solve a problem on his computer.

That is not very often either.

I understand he is hurting and confused.

Explaining what being transsexual to some one else is like trying to explain to someone else what it is like to walk on the moon.

Only someone who has eprienced it first hand will ever really know what it is like.

Though I will give credit to those who at least try to wrap their head around it. At least they are making the effort.

Getting back to the letter.

Remember this is a post about a letter my father had written too me.

I cannot give details or post the contents but some of the things that were said hurt me in return.

Right now I don't know if I will ever be able to repaire the relationship between us.

I get that it is going to take a lot of work and effort on both our parts.

Thought based on what he said I am not even sure he is willing to come to the table to talk. At least not now.

To close it all off he basically told me he did not want to know what I was going to do and frankly asked me to not do it.

In the end I was hurt, I cried, and took some time to gather my thoughts as to what I was going to talk to my mom about.

As she found out about it and was given a copy of the letter to read. It just so happened she found out the day I happened to recieve it.

Even though it did hurt, some good advice I got was that it was a positive.

Which indeed it is.

I cannot argue that.

I have been waiting for something to happen with him. I just knew I couldn't force it. Not yet at least.

It is what it is, his emotions finally coming out. Good or bad I got something from him.

How will I respond?

I don't know yet. I am taking my time with this one. I need to let the emotions of the moment pass a bit and then look at this with a calmer frame of mind.

It is just strange how a bad reaction can be considered a positive event.

Heavy Rotation

2011-01-14T07:57:00.000-05:00

I listen to a lot of music.

I also listen to a lot of variety in my music.

Many a people have come to realize not only can I not be defined by what I listen too, I am not influenced by the music.

I have listen and still listen to things that completely surprise people because I don't live the lifestyle that goes along with said genre of music.

I never have either. To me music is just a form of entertainment and I will almost always listen to something once.

If I like it I will continue to listen to it.

Music to me never gets old. Even if it may not be the in thing or it supposedly has pasted it's time, if I still like it I will still listen to it.

Now while I have been all over the Internet looking for new things to listen to and I can list a bunch of singles, artist and albums that I have played and still play quite a lot. You must consider I have nearly 300 CDs and almost eight thousand songs. Yet lately I find myself coming back to a few albums right now. I do mean the whole album top to bottom. Something about them just seems complete and reaches out to me in different ways.

Maybe it is my mood or something I don't really know but I seem to select one or two of these up at least once a week.

Sleigh Bells - Treats

I caught the single Rill, Rill a few months ago on satellite radio, pulled up the CD online and instantly fell in love with the strangeness and crazy raw sound it had. I would call it messy noisy ear candy. I now have a copy for myself.

Nirvana - Nevermind

I was never a huge alternative or grunge fan, in fact Nirvana wasn't a favorite band of mine from the era. However I was in my last year of HS when this album was released and witnessed the impact that it and the group had. Never had I seen anything like it and imagine I may not ever again. A virtually unknown band setting the world of music on it's head. Forever changing the musical landscape.

While I pick and choose from the genre I simply love this album and still do. A song popped up while shuffling through my collection not to long ago prompting me to sit down and listen to it again. It still moves me like it did and I didn't realize how much I had missed listening to it. Maybe it is a little nostalgia or maybe it really just is as good as I remember it. Some times I think it is the overall vibe of screw the establishment we are going to do it our way. Who knows, but I have been gravitating toward it now and again.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs - Show Your Bones

I don't know why but Karen O's vocals seem to carry me somewhere else. It is almost like they are fun, cheeky, emotional and deep at the same time.

Metallica - Death Magnetic

This is like satisfying my sweet tooth only it is my angry tooth. Plus they have always seemed to do angry and crunchy with such style and well written songs. While not my favorite album of theirs it just seems to match that angst perfectly right now.

The Dollyrots - A Little Messed Up

Cause they are fun and just seem to get better with each release. Plus Kelly just seems to say I am a girl but I can sing about anything. Plus they just have a cool Cali vibe I like.

Deadmau5 - 4x4=12

I listen to a lot of electronic, in fact I have albums that pre-date the likes of Daft Funk and The Chemical Brothers dating back to 1990. For some reason Deadmau5(pronounced 'dead mouse') just does things that can amaze me today, I haven't heard a disk that is bad or doesn't do something new and interesting yet. This new one is fantastic and I have been playing it a lot since I got in December.

Ecanescence - Fallen

Because Amy Lee just blows me away and the power in her voice is amazing. It is kind of like my female angst disc to listen too.

The Prodigy - The Dirtchamber Sessions Volume One

I love DJ mixes, mashups and similar. The man behind The Prodigy does an amazing performance here, wandering genres, eras, and just seems to be having so much fun doing it. It wanders all over the map for an hour but never seems to lose it's way.

Ivy - Apartment Life

Lastly we come to one of my favorite artist. Everyone talks about Tori Amos and Little Earthquakes(which is an excellent album) but I challenge Tori fans to listen to Ivy. Every disc is very good and they are quite often put on shuffle when I am in the tub soaking. Yet Apartment Life just resonates in my bones right now. Every song just speaks to something in me and to so many different feelings depending on the song.

Again there are so many good CDs out there some that are just always a favorite listen of mine but right now these have floated to the top for whatever reason. Also these are all CDs I actually own. I still prefer a physical medium to listen on when I can. Mp3 are nice and portable, but I still enjoy listening to a full CD on a decent system. I guess there is something about filling a room with sound that just feels nice.

Sacrificing

2011-01-09T18:38:00.000-05:00

I knew this was going to happen.

I was fully aware that I would have to let some things go this year so that I could facilitate others.

This is one of them that I am going to miss greatly.

There are only so many winters in one's life. There is only so much snow that will fall.

For years I have had to sacrifice not only not doing this but I have yet to fulfill my dream of going out west and carving up some of those amazing slops.

After transition is done, when all the major steps are completed and I am just rediscovering my life as me. I intend to rectify that. I will plan at least one large trip each year and depend where I end up living I will try to do as many small ones as I can.

In the mean time I will sadly have to skip any of my usual trips this year.

I will miss it.

I always do.

Swimming Up Stream

2011-01-06T08:23:00.000-05:00

There was one small incident during the holidays that I forgot to mention.

It was rather small but it has lingering in the back of my mind.

My Brother called me on Christmas Eve, he was feeling lonely and melancholy. It isn't my fault that he moved six hundred plus miles into the middle of nowhere after his divorce.

I still talk to him but he can be difficult. He is like Mom in that regard only worse.

Still we talk about things he is doing, which considering where exactly he lives is not a whole heck of a lot at this time of year. Other than working, eating and staying warm.

Though our one common bond is our fierce passion for the hometown hockey team. It is indeed the things we discuss the most.

The part that surprised me was the amount of emotions he displayed. Really I had not hear or seen that in him in twenty-six years.

He is feeling alone, missing his family and sons, and I am sure my issue, now that he knows, isn't helping matters. Also Christmas Eve has always been the bigger of the two days regarding the gathering of family. Which I am sure was adding to the mood.

The frustrating part was that through all that, the sympathy and kindness I showed him so he would feel better was lost when he made a comment to me about my issue, that though he might have thought he was being funny, was not. It clearly showed his male point of view along with that he is really not getting it at all.

It was vulgar, tasteless and crude.

I didn't get into it with him as I was having a hard time preparing myself to visit family for Christmas eve. These would be the same ones that dropped this fun one on me last year.

I did inform him that the comment was not appreciated and that he wasn't understanding that was not the reason I was doing this.

Sadly he stuck to his opinion.

Maybe with time he will understand, but the man has a bad habit of not seeing the issue(It is a big reason he is now divorced) or not wanting to until it is too late.

Death by avoidance if you will.

I will keep trying but I cannot hold his hand forever. He either he comes to terms with it eventually and accepts me for a human being, not necessarily his sister, or it will be another lost relationship for him. As I won't tolerate this attitude if he wants to continue with it long term.

Fear not I have not written him off, but I can tell this will be another difficult road.

It does make all this feel very much like you are trying to swim upstream with everything rushed back at you trying to slow you down.

Merry, Merry

2011-01-05T07:50:00.000-05:00

Even in light of my last post things have not been all bad.

The holidays for the most part while uncomfortable passed without much incident.

I even got to spend Christmas night with B who invited me to an amazing party that night that was invite only.

He asked me to come with him as he wanted to take someone who would appreciate the surroundings.

It indeed was a beautifully setting and the food was amazing.

I even indulged in a slice of cheesecake.

I know right?!?

He is such an important friend right now I don't know where I would be without him.

Sadly I did not get to see him for New Years Eve but I did wish him a happy one.

I know I owe him a phone call too.

As for what I got for Christmas?

Kind of interesting.

I finally got one of these:

It feels like a tank and at five and a half quarts roomy enough to make some bigger dishes in without being huge. I have already made a Beer-Braised Chuck Roast that was very yummy and tender. Along with a pork shoulder that was even better.

I love the fact that I can sear in it then add tasty noms to gather flavor put everything back in then cook slowly in the oven. All in the same pot. Food is so yummy that way.

I am dying to make Chicken Cacciatore or White Wine Coq Au Vin recipes that I have.

I also got one of these:

I have been wanting a good mortar and pestle for quite some time and this one is awesome. Perfect size at two and a half cups and very reasonable too but my goodness could you hurt someone with it. Solid granite is just that SOLID. The Pestle itself could be considered a deadly weapon.

A Sandra Lee cook book (the more I watch her the more I like her).

I also got the perfect jewelry box from a very special friend I have already half filled it. I couldn't find the exact one but it looks like this only a wonderful cherry wood grain.

Lastly I got the cutest little butterfly necklace that I simply love. I have been looking for something light and simple like this. It is very summery too, I know I will be wearing it a lot once the weather is warmer.

That was about it. The Dutch oven was rather pricey and it was a group gift to me as they know my love of cooking.

So while my life was full of major stressors at least the holidays were somewhat quiet and I got a few things I wanted.

I hope all yours were as well.

Thumb Tacks

2011-01-04T08:18:00.000-05:00

I am acutely aware that I have not posted much recently.

With the holidays I have had a lot going on.

I also have had a lot of issues rolling or smashing over me all at one.

I even had a freak out moment.

Ok, I am lying.

I have had a few.

Though the one I am most thinking of would be the public one where I lost my nerve.

Something that hasn't happened in a very long time.

I am not even sure what I want to talk about either. I simply have so much in my head right now I can't seem to focus on just one thing.

Or even just two or three.

Which is why I need the thumb tacks.

Really I don't have enough to mark all the places I have been emotionally in the last few weeks.

Thing is it hasn't felt like a rollercoaster.

Nope.

I feel like I am everywhere all at once.

Not to mention my old friends fear and doubt have been riding shotgun and in the back seat.

It could be I have too much happening all at once.

I have a few friends I have to sit down and tell.

I also need to talk to HR in coming weeks. At least to start the conversation.

I seem to alternate between worrying about the upcoming surgery working to fully confident that the changes will turn out all right.

Mostly I seem to be settling on the former, that it won't work.

I am also worried that I am actually ready for the aftermath these changes will cause. I don't intend to be full time just yet and I can't imagine people not noticing.

For example I was out at a local mall this last weekend and I was doing my best to boy it up and I not once got called sir.

This amazes me. My natural hairline to me is such a dead giveaway. It isn't that it is thinning or receding but it does have a rather masculine shape.

What is going to happen when I look even less male than I do now? I think it is going to unsettle a lot of people including those who are expecting a boy.

The situation at home isn't good at all either. Which is generating a lot of stress as it could have a very far reaching impact.

I am just thankful I have some wonderful friends. Relationships that are more honest and real then anything I have ever had. People who chat me up to see how I am doing and to see if I am all right.

One friend made such a sweet gesture yesterday that I wanted to cry. Even though we haven't been talking like we used to it meant so much for her to offer what she did.

Another is just there to talk to, no how matter how mundane our discussions are I always feel better after I talk with her.

Things might be difficult now but I try to recall that I am a better person this way and I life should be better once all this is all done.

The big issue is getting everyone who has never met me to understand all this.

I do feel myself climbing out of all this but it is a slippery slope. Anything at this point would not help and I could end up back sliding.

It is a tough road.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T00:00:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T09:57:00.000-05:00

Winter Dreams

2010-12-24T07:30:00.008-05:00

Just wishing everyone the best for the holidays and may all your Christmas wishes come true!

When the World Changes

2010-12-20T12:16:00.000-05:00

This last Saturday I had the chance to go out.

Which I took full advantage of.

The only issue I ran into was the fact I could not get a hold of any of my friends.

So I did what I normally do in this situation I headed out to the usual haunt and hoped for the best.

Now before I continue on with the rest of my story I should preface all this with some background information.

My usual locale of entertainment was never my favorite place.

Back when I didn't have a clue as to where to go when out I met my friend J in Atlanta. (This is my other friend J not the one I recently disclosed to.) She mentioned this gay bar near downtown that was trans friendly on Saturday nights and that she is usually there.

So being scared and uncertain back then I went.

From the moment I walked in there I knew I didn't really fit in with that scene. However it was all I had and it most definitely served its purpose. I gain a ton of confidence in just being able to step out of the house. It is also where I met B. So it wasn't all bad. It might have never been my favorite place but the experience and growth it allowed me has been invaluable.

Yet this last Saturday as I walked in I almost immediately felt that I didn't want to be there. Maybe it is because of all the time I have been spending with B and others recently doing different things. Going to other places and just opening my world up to more experiences.

It certainly doesn't hurt that I am no longer uncomfortable being out and about.

So after one drink, bumping into someone from my old support group I realized there was nothing there for me.

My friends J and S weren't even there.

So not knowing what else to do I tried to reach B one more time...

...and I got a reply!

A few text later and we established that his cousin C was in town for her birthday weekend and that they were going out to a industrial/goth club closer to the downtown area. He also asked if I wanted to come.

Well I didn't want to feel like I was tagging along so I asked if it was ok with everyone else.

To which he sent the follow up text of: 'Hold on'

Two minutes later my phone was ringing.

"Hello?"

"Hey Ms. Kelli, C says to get your cute butt over here. She yelled at me for even asking if you could come. She said 'OMG!! Totally invite her she is so cool!!!' So are you coming?"

"Wow, yes I am so there!"

"By the way, this is going to be a different kind of club. Not that I doubt you but what are you wearing?"

"Well I have a purple sweater dress and knee high boots."

"OMG you are in a dress? I have never seen you in one, that HAS to be hot!!! Anyways that should do fine."

"LOL ok are you going to give me directions?"

With that he proceed to explain how to get to them, it wasn't bad as they were only 15 minutes away.

Thus I quickly finished my one drink and off I went.

Twenty minutes later I was walking into a hotel (the club is in a back basement and they rented a room upstairs to crash in afterward along with change in) to met up with the girls as B and the DJ (This is what I'll call C's BF as initials are just not cutting it much anymore.) had run out to get a quick bite while I was in route. Thus I entered the room and again met the wonderful C and her BFF Kitten(I'll dub her that since she wore this killer leopard print dress for the night).

They chatted on and off with me as they finished getting ready. C super sweet as always and so wanting to hear what I had been up too. Kitten was being fussy getting ready but she did chat too.

Shortly after I got there B and DJ showed up and we all sat around chatting while the girls finished getting ready.

It wasn't too long and down the elevator we went, as we had to leave the hotel walk around out back to get into the club.

We walked in paid cover and I checked my coat as I had on a below the knee black trench as the dress was short and it is darn cold out this time of year. When I turned around all four of them were staring at me.

I swear they almost all said wow simultaneously.

B came up took my arm and said; "Come on we'll get a drink and I will show you around. By the way, you look absolutely smoking hot!!"

I laughed at him and strolled into the club proper...

...and proceeded to have one of the best times in my entire life!

The club as an amazing mix of just about everything goth, fetish, gay, lesbian, bi, cos play, fetish, and a lot of just John Q. Public. In fact that was probably more than half the crowd.

The people watching was just off the charts, and while it was an industrial club it had a really relaxed mellow vibe to it. I also liked the fact that it was so big that the dance floor has a separate sound track from the bar area.

Although the music was a little heavier in general then what I would listen to I am a big fan of electronic music and most definitely heard some cool new stuff.

I had some amazing conversations with DJ, Kitten and C. I even challenged DJ on his being freaked out by Hello Kitty (a girl at the bar was wearing a back pack). I told him it is cute and who doesn't like kittens to which he replied 'me' but that it was how strangely it was drawn and the whole Japanese anime thing was just weird. I laughed at him and he wanted to know why? I told him I found it funny and ironic that he would be freaked out by that and not the two people clad entirely head to so in latex not twenty feet from us.

He smirked at me and didn't have an answer. I had him, he knew it and admitted that it was a rather funny observation.

Kitten even sat down next to me at one point and said told me she wanted to say something to me.

"Kelli they told me about you before you came up just so I would know, but now having met you, talked to you and watched you here tonight. I just want to tell you that you are one amazing woman. You have great style but you carry yourself so well, you are so beautiful and sexy and OMG you are so naturally a girl. I am simply amazed by you. I think it is great and you are going to do just fine."

B was listening in and followed that up with "See I tell you this all the time."

I am starting to realize they are probably right. Since this was a mostly straight crowd I ended up turning down six attempts to get my phone number or have them give me theirs. Even more offers for drinks. Two flat out attempts to take me home and yet I still didn't mind it at all. I had such a good time, met some great people, that I stayed out until 3am before heading home.

I got hugs all around from everyone as I was leaving before they were and when C asked me if I had a good time then thanked me for coming. I chided her telling her that it was me that needed to thank her for inviting me. She laughed and said ok, but would I be willing to come again? I responded that I would very much love to come again. She then informed me that I would so be told ahead of time before their next outing.

I was looking forward to it before I even walked out the door.

On my way home I realized just how much my life had changed that night. Never did I feel uncomfortable or worried. I simply was not worried about a thing. It amazes me how right my life feels. Now that the fear and trepidation are gone I just go and do. I also noticed that the old world I had been in had suddenly just become much less important to me.

It served its purpose but that purpose is no longer there.

Quite suddenly I have outgrown it and I am so much better for having done so.

Amazing how one night can change your world.

I know mine has.

Near Miss

2010-12-16T13:12:00.002-05:00

So last week an engineer who recently left the company came back for a visit.

He is missed. Not only was he very smart and well respected, he was fun to have around and well liked.

Since he had that day off we all decided to go to lunch.

Now lately I haven't being going out with the boys for lunch anymore. I have gotten reclusive for a reason.

So here we are sitting at a long table. I am at one end and the waitress is moving around the table taking orders.

She finishes with the coworker next to me, turns to me and says.

"And what can I get you miss?"

O_O

I quickly glance around the table to see if anyone was paying attention.

As they were mostly busy chatting rather loudly about things. (They are men what do you expect?)

No one seemed to notice. I am also probably fortunate that she was standing next to me saying it in my ear rather then shouting it across the table.

I'll never know for sure if it was heard or not but I did not see any indication that it was.

Mostly because I know with this group there are more than a few of them that would have a field day if they ever heard me addressed like that.

That might change later, but it would be the subject of many a joke for now.

Not to mention around here they like to poke fun at something for an extended period of time.

It just isn't something I am ready to deal with right now.

However it appears my days of lunch trips with the group have quickly come to an end.

Christmas Music by Kelli

2010-12-13T14:06:00.005-05:00

Finally.

I had to fuss with the widget a bit as Grooveshark made some recent changes to their site which caused a few headaches.

Fear not, as today I present you with something different.

My list of favorite Christmas songs.

Yes they are in fact a little different. I happen to like alternative takes on old classics.

Winter WonderLand - Liz Phair (Brilliant cover!)
God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman - Barenaked Ladies w/ Sarah McLaughlin (Just really fun.)
Sleigh Ride - KT Tunstall (Who doesn't like KT? She is so underrated.)
Let it Snow - Luscious Jackson (This is how this song should be done!)
Dance of the Sugar Plus Fairies[Red Baron Remix] (Love this.)
12 Days of Christmas - Straight No Chaser (SEE THEM LIVE!!! So talented and how they do this is beyond me! Listen ever so carefully.)
Christmas Time is Here - Ivy (I simply cannot get enough of this song! Purely amazing!)

Uniquely new songs.

Mistletoe - Colbie Caillat (Heard this for the first time last year. Loooove!)
Wizards in Winter - Trans Siberian Orchestra (I've seen them in concert amazing show!)
Christmas All Over Again - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers (What can I say? Tom Petty can sing just about anything and make it cool.)
Father Christmas - Save Ferris (Always been a fan and though it is very different I just like it. Call me a wee bit rebellious!!)
All My Bells Are Ringing - Lenka (New this year, so cute!!)
Christmas Wrappings - The Waitresses (The Radio sooooo does not play this enough!)
Maybe Next Year - Meiko (Can you make Christmas sound any more naughty?!)

Along with others that just remind me of the lost wonder of youth.

Snoopy's Christmas is one of my absolute favorite songs harking back to my childhood. Christmas in not complete for me until I hear it on the radio.

However it recently was replaced as my favorite Christmas song by Trans Siberian Orchestra's Christmas Canon. They did this version with a children's choir I have never been able to find the name of. As opposed to the rock version they do. This version is just so beautiful I can listen to it any time of the year.

So with that I give you the playlist, Please Enjoy and Merry Christmas!!!

P.S. It'll be in the side bar too.

Consequences

2010-12-08T07:01:00.001-05:00

Recently one of the people I have disclosed to mentioned the following to someone connected to me.

That I wasn't or haven't considered all the consequences of my transition.

Really?

I haven't considered the lost of family or friendships? Maybe face unemployment because I am trans, discrimination or hatred by those that might figure out I wasn't born a woman naturally? All the pain and hurt I have already endured and is still possibly yet to come?

Those are simply the most common ones too.

I am going to love informing my therapist of this comment. She has heard me discuss my fears ad nauseam. I am fully aware that I might have to reset my entire life to finally have the freedom to be myself. I covered a lot of them myself. She filled in a few I hadn't considered, and between the two of us probably came up with some new ones.

I spent two years working through that until I felt I was ready to face it. Even while trying to find a way or reason not to transition. Yet I kept coming back to the fact that if I didn't I simply would breakdown from the pressure to be someone else, that I am not.

Thus this statement greatly insulted me.

Now I don't know what will actually happen I might have to face every single one of those fears. I might not have had to face any at all (I know that wasn't the case). It is just impossible to predict what you are going to experience for sure or how much.

What causes me to face these is the fact that simply I fear them less then what would happen to me if I don't transition.

I have mentioned before that fear is a very powerful motivator.

So having experienced glimpses of how much better life could be when I get to be myself 100% of the time. How much more potential I see and feel. Compared to the misery and depression I have to suffer through right now. I feel that I would rather be alive and enjoying my life for once. The fear of not doing so is greater.

Still the idea that I haven't thought about how transitioning could impact my life irritates me to no end.

I am already facing some of those consequences and can only wonder at what else will come my way.

That doesn't mean I am stopping or not doing this.

Thoughts of anything else are simply too bleak.

So that consequence trumps all the others.

Just a Small Peek

2010-12-06T10:42:00.002-05:00

I know I don't post pictures of myself much.

Well...actually I have only done so once. I am simply very concerned about my privacy. Plus I don't know who actually visits this blog and I since I am not completely I out, I don't want to make myself to recognizable.

At least just yet.

However I have recently come into possession of some pictures others took of me recently in Atlanta.

So what is the story behind this one?

Well my friend Kathy and I took our friend Gina to CNN and the world of Coke along with some general down town trekking and site seeing.

At Coca-Cola I had walked up the step to take pictures of the beautifully painted over sized coke bottles. (There is actually a shot of me doing just this but it is from behind, but I am not going to post a shot of my butt.) When I finished and turned around I noticed Gina taking said pictures of me. So I quickly raised my camera and snapped one myself of her, taking a picture of me. So yes I have the other side of this photo. :D

I won't post it since I don't have permission but here is the other famous half.

That is me. Head to toe. As I have mentioned before I only get a little help in the chest area the rest is all me. Well that and the hair. (Soon that won't be the case.)

Plus I am not to worried about exposing myself with this shot. :D

And yes I have no issue wearing sneakers for being comfortable or cute casual in attire. I was site seeing in Atlanta for 6 hours. Sheesh! I don't want my feet killing me. I can wear heels when I go out and feel the need to spice it up.

The thought here was to give those readers who haven't ever met me in person a better idea of why I hear some of the things I do.

I mean B always marvels at this. He just cannot fathom how I do boy.

As we all know that is becoming harder even when I do bury it under bulky over-sized mens clothing.

I am guess now that I further along than I might even realize myself. Even so I need him for a little while longer.

I hope everyone enjoys this small glimpse of me. It will probably be a while before I do it again.

Whispers of the Future

2010-12-04T20:02:00.002-05:00

I have had some interesting conversations over the last month or so.

They have all had different view points revolving around the same topic.

The Future.

One friend who recently went full time was pontificating about how much she now loved living as a woman. Completely enjoying how she now interacted with the world.

Yet she hit on an issue regarding her future and that she didn't know what to do next now that she had transitioned.

I discovered this to be rather interesting when she told me this.

It was as if she had spent all this energy to transition and deal with all the issue to finally get to the top of the mountain and look around with only one thought in her head.

"Now what?"

The next conversation was even more interesting. As someone very near and dear to my heart talked about how she is being overwhelmed with the feeling that she has never lived her life. As she starts presenting her self in situations more as herself she is noticing...well...nothing. That she is just being herself, that there isn't any fanfare or parades to announce herself to the world.

It was weighting heavily on her mind that is was going to take a significant amount of time to reach a point where she could just feel normal all the time, rather than how she feels now, always fighting who she is.

The secondary concern that she was dealing with; What is normal?

I understand both of these issues, maybe not experiencing them completely for myself but I understand what they are thinking and even to a certain degree feel some of it myself.

Which then brings me to a third friend whom has been living full time for a little over a year, if I am recalling correctly. She is hard to get in touch with sometimes since she is so busy doing the things she wants to do.
They aren't glamorous or even things most people would be interested in. These are things she simply loves to do and I even applaud her for what some of them are.

All these situations and conversations brought about a lot of thoughts and feelings. I also did a lot of soul searching sometimes even on the spot.

It took one of my favorite movies, which I had not seen in quite some time but caught most of it recently, to really put it in perspective with one of the most important lines delivered it in.

'Carpe Diem'

Or 'Seize the Day'. Just in case you don't know Latin.

Those simple words really got me a thinking.

What grand revelations did I have?

When I am done with the process of transition I know full well that life will not always just come to me.

I have to go out there and grab it.

Think about it, isn't that what transitioning is?

Seizing the opportunity to finally be yourself. To take the opportunity to feel free about who you are?

This isn't handed to you. Every single one of us have had to seize the desire to overcome our fears, social backlash, whatever and just go do it.

We had to.

Not someone else.

Life in general works this way. Those that succeed or accomplish goals they feel are important did so by putting forth the effort.

The same can be applied to life after transition.

I imagine there will be a period of time where I am just adjusting to finally living full time. That I understand. Though I do want to finally explore the world as me on my terms.

Some of the items on my 'todo' list are to leave my home state.

Really.

I feel that even though there is a fondness I will always have for my home state. I feel it is just time for a change of scenery. If I wasn't in the middle of transitioning I would move now. The idea is as soon as I can leave here as me I am going to go. It will be after I reach full time possibly after GCS.

I am open to a lot of places I love the eastern seaboard from North Carolina up to Massachusetts or New Hampshire.

Minnesota has always a favorite destination of mine. Along with the Pacific Northwest, notably the greater Seattle area.

However someone recently place the idea of Denver or some part of Colorado into my head.

This has rapidly gone to the top of my list of places I would like to live. First I love mountains and the change of seasons. Even better I will have easy access to some fantastic ski resorts that are all within a few hours drive with others being further but again drivable.

I love this idea. I would be gone many a weekend in the winter enjoying the snow.

I also want to gain the freedom to do the things I want. I would love to join a social club either for singles or mixed. Just a group that loves to arrange events. Theater, dining, movies, music, whatever comes to the area. Even a ski club would be cool.

I also see myself getting more active again. Maybe volleyball or soccer which are some of my favorites. Co-ed or whatever I can find. Who knows what else as long as I am participating as me with some quality people staying fit.

Other things I want to do is decorate my own place. It doesn't have to be big or fancy and I don't need to have it be lavishly decorated. I have a strong arts and crafts background that I wouldn't mind dusting off and using again. Including some artwork ideas I have had floating around in my head that I would like to work on.

Another idea that has been in my head for a while is the idea of building my closet. I read a lot of blog about real every day girls and how they express themselves with clothing and style. I however love the idea that some of them have been working on their closet for years. Collecting clothes from their mothers or family members, thrifting along with shopping the current trends and creating something interesting. I would even love to participate in something like 30 for 30, even if it was just for myself to view and document.

Clothes have never been important to why I am transitioning. I do however have the strong desire to express myself in outwardly appearing manners. How I decorate a room, my art, cooking or even draped over my body. I have had this sense of style since I was day one that has always been looking for an outlet. It just hardly ever fit who I was trying to be. So quite often it was squelched.

Which is all part redefining who I am. Allowing who I have always wanted to be to come out and be seen with whatever it is I may want to try.

Granted a lot of this relies on me successfully transitioning and being able to support myself for the rest of my life. We shall see what this change brings.

The point though is I want to go out and grab life and experience it as me for myself. Something I have never done before. I am not content to sit back and say what next.

Nope.

I will go out and find it wherever it might be. I am willing to try a lot things once. The only question is did I like it enough to do it again.

So in the end I just hope to finally be able to be me. Then I can go out and life my life as me. Free of the distress and concern of who I had to appear to be. Also normal will be whatever I make it. It is all about finding my place again in the world only this time on my own terms.

I just know I can't wait for it to come to me. I have to go get it.

Much as I did to transition.

'Seize the Day.'

In The News

2010-12-03T08:40:00.000-05:00

I am sure you have all figured out that I am having some surgery coming up.

Schedule and whatnot permitting it should happen.

Am I going to go into a lot of detail? Show Pictures? Etc?

In a word?

No.

For me this is a very private thing. I don't feel the need to expose it completely to the world, no offense.

Actually I feel this way about any surgery I have.

I will probably give some info as to how it all went, where I had it, and what was done.

After it happens.

Though I won't post an offical date. I will say that it is scheduled to happen in the first quarter of next year.

This is going to be a huge step. It will forever change what I look like and fundamentally alter my life.

It is rather scary. Yet strangely exciting all at the same time.

Here is hoping for the best!

Clean Up in Aisle Five!

2010-11-30T08:07:00.001-05:00

The last two weeks couldn't have felt more turbulent if I tried.

Starting with telling my friend J about me.

Sob.

Getting some great news about surgical financing.

Yay!

Scheduling exactly that for the very early part of next year.

Super Yay!

Learning what I am going to have to do in perpetration for said event.

Ouch!

Getting a surprise call from my brother the night before thanksgiving. He gets big kudo's for talking to me.

Wow!

Having him ask me some rather poorly worded questions. Along with the wrong ideas of why I am doing this.

Oof!

Dealing with my parents and an Aunt who doesn't know on Thanksgiving day.

Ugh!

My inlaws the following.

Double Ugh!

Having a wonderful and one of the best nights of my life on Saturday with one of my favorite peeps in B.

YES!

Even though we did attend a rather straight xmas party that he didn't know was going to be so John Q. Straight. We laughed about it in the end.

Weird.

Plenty of bar hoping, dancing and fun later.

Whoo-hooo!

B saying one of the sweetest things he has ever told me, and it doesn't even sound nice when you hear it but it meant the world to me.

Awww!

Leading into one of the biggest collapses I ever had on Sunday.

Thud!

This one was bad.

Really bad.

It started early in the morning, I rebounded somewhat and attempted some retail therapy to perk myself up.

Only to end up crying in the mall because I was there as him.

I was a total mess.

Though I did learn about the amazing restorative powers of a hot bath and bubbles. Immediately followed up with some ice cream. I was able to end the night feeling ok.

At the least I didn't feel anywhere nearly as bad as I did.

I would not say I feel wonderful though.

It also doesn't help that my Mom has been rather pushy lately as to how, when and why I am doing some things. Really, this is my transition and I knew my mother was quite capable of this. I just don't need someone telling me what to do right now.

Hopefully I can find some times to de-stress some more this week and try and deal with some of these feelings.

Transitioning is currently living up to the billing as not being easy.

Though I never expected it to be.

It would be nice however if I could get things to calm down, even just a little bit.

Because I am getting tired of dealing with one mess after another.

Time Keeps on Ticking

2010-11-29T01:48:00.003-05:00

Sadly I am reminded of things today I would rather not think about.

Most people celebrate on a day such as this, but it has never been that important to me.

Perhaps because it feels like just another reminder of time lost.

I do hope that this time next year I can finally, maybe, enjoy myself for once.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T05:37:00.004-05:00